menorah thoughts....

i actually sat and waited for it to get dark.
i wanted to light my menorah.
i just needed to be with those candles.
and yeah, i pushed it a bit. it was dark in
my kitchen more so than outside. and that
was good enough for me.

so i lit it.
and sat with it.
and thought how cool it was to sit at my
kitchen table with it.

i love sitting at my kitchen table and to sit
there deliberately honoring the sacred seemed
perfect.

my thoughts wandered a lot.
my dad keeps poppin' into my head.
i keep tryin' to think of how to honor his passing.

and then this story a grandmother shared with me
today came roaring in. it's a hard story. one that
hurts to even think about.

a young child wanting to end his life.

a child.

i cried when i read it.

and then that made me think of patty in south africa
and the children she's working with.

i sat there and wondered for the gazillionth millionth
time in my life how to hold all of these stories. all
of life.

i remembered the thought of not holding it, but letting
it flow thru me.

but wait, i thought....i want to hold it. i gotta touch
it too. i can't just let it flow thru. there's something
about me and touching.

and so i tried to think of holding it and then letting it
flow thru me.

and believe it or not, the practical logistics of that
got me stuck.

i pictured things flowin' thru the crown of my head.
i pictured holding things in my hands.

hmmmmm........i couldn't figure out how to do it smoothly.
how odd that i would get so practical with a visual.

and then it hit me.....

don't hold.
touch.

just touch.

and the logistics worked beautifully.

let them flow inside of you. let them flow straight
thru you....and as they flow, they'll touch against
your heart. some will lean hard, some will take pieces
with them, some will just barely press, and some will
scratch and take some of the surface with them as
they go thru.

and that's okay.

because if i let them flow thru me back to the earth,
and out to my creativity, they have parts of me now.
they've been inside of me. and they're changed.
they're different somehow.

and THAT'S what i can offer the world.

THAT'S what i've been tryin' to figure out for a million
years.

i have been getting stuck on the holding.

it's not the holding.......it's the touching.

and the letting parts of myself mingle with it all....

and then directing some of it (into my creativity and
offerings) and letting the rest of it flow back to the
world.

flowing back with part of me in it.

ohmygosh.

i sat and stared at the candles.

how did i ever get by without a menorah???

i blew out the candles, went outside to turn the
christmas lights on, and bowed to the sky.

i think i have something i really want to mull here.
it feels huge.
and yet, i wonder, will it change anything?

only if i let it.

only if i let it.