Thursday, December 3, 2009

that ever present bomb.....

i heard myself say it and it clicked in my mind.
'it's just a bomb waiting to go off....'

yeah, that was it, i thought.
not really a new concept at all.
but a visual that made total sense to me.

thing is....there's different kindsa bombs.
the inanimate ones that you know will go off,
but there's no attachments to them.

or...the human ones that carry with them so
many emotional strings and entanglements that
it's impossible to detach as much as you want to.

but detach you must.
because the closer you are, the more the impact.

i walked today.
full walk.
all the way up to my goodmorningworld spot.
i had to.
this whole bomb concept needed some serious
thinking thru.

this particular bomb has been ticking for a long
long time. sometimes really quietly, sometimes
so loud i shake from the vibrations.

here's the thing about those vibrations tho.
sometimes the bomb's mere existence has been
enough to send vibrations thru me.

the very threat of the explosion.
the very uncertainty of it all.

and i think....i just got real tired of shaking
and waiting and losing life because of it.

i think i just hit some kinda limit.

i walked and thought.

there's a bomb there.
fact.

99 percent chance it will go off.
could be really really bad.
could be not so bad.

could be anything.

you have no control whatsoever.

all that you've been doin' to try to control
the impact, has cost you dearly.

time to stop.
it will most likely explode.
there will most likely be some definite
fall out to deal with.

you won't know til it happens.

there's bombs everywhere in life.
the blessing is that you never even know about
most of them until the blow up near you or on you.

i think of my marriage.
i always say it 'exploded' cause it sure felt
like bombs were goin' off right and left.

well.
i made it thru.
and i'm happier than ever.
sometimes bombs need to shake your world to really
change it.

they're not all bad.
they definitely aren't gentle.

but they're not all bad.

i tried to come up with good things i've gotten
out of just knowing this bomb is there. out of
tryin' to dance around it.

it took me awhile, but there were good things
to see. and i saw some major growth on my part.
the kinda growth i had to be pushed and pulled
thru. not the kinda growth i would naturally do
on my own.

okay.

so.
i looked at this darn bomb.

fine.

you be there.

and you explode when the time is right.
or when the time feels totally wrong to me.

but i refuse to give up any more life to
reacting to the ticking.

i'm done letting the ticking drown out my
own heart's singing.

and maybe this is the greatest gift that i
could take away from this whole experience.

that every thing is a choice.
and what we choose to react to is our choice.
and if we choose to let something drown
out our singing hearts, then we have to own that.

cause that's our choice.

do we hear the singing or the ticking?

if we hear both...which do we concentrate on?

it's entirely our choice.

1 comment:

Camille Olivia ~ said...

Bravo, Ter. I'm so pleased to 'hear' this. Choices, indeed! Ya know how much I love that word, yes? (giggle). Arms around ya.