Sunday, January 31, 2010

controlled crazed

a weird morning....
starting out with no heat whatsoever.

i've been overloaded, overwhelmed, and

this seemed to add to the craze inside
me. there's something about not having
heat that makes me feel like a failure.
i feel like i can't even provide heat
for my family. no kidding. it's so weird.

it's not true.
not the case.
it's just some weirdness i carry.

but as the morning progressed,
and things were looking bad for our
pellet stove...i don't know...i really
started to calm down.

it was weird.
instead of getting worse, i got better.

we can work it out, i told myself.
yo was tinkerin' on the pellet stove.
(the furnace is another story)....

bob was here consulting with yo about
what was up with it all.

i was painting a happy birthday sign
for zakk who was still asleep.

bob knew how uptight i've been about
time lately. he spent a good part of
the evening before calming me down
and reminding me to trust. he turned to
me and joked, knowing i was prolly a
crazed mess inside.

thing all had hit a bubbling point
or something...boiling point?

the overwhelm kinda flowed out and i just
said ya know what? forget it. i'll do what
i have to do and i'll get done what i have
to get done.

i had hit desperation, i guess.

and maybe there's something good about
bone sighs was built on it!!!

maybe you hit a point and you just gotta
know you can do whatever it takes to pull
off whatever you gotta pull off.

and then things turn.
and you're in control again.

the craze is still kinda there....but it's
a controlled craze.
i'm gonna make it work for me....

it feels kinda good.

controlled craze.

that's me right now.

No comments: