Friday, January 22, 2010

the lighting aisle...

it was one of those dumb little moments in the
day....and it just hit hard, and kinda crashed
me into this big ol' hill of self doubt.

i tried to hide it from the guys....
we were headin' out doin' errands.
but i wasn't doin' such a good job of it.

so there we were, standing in the lighting aisle
of lowes when yo asks me if i'm okay.

zakk is right next to him waiting for me to
explain what's goin' on.

i took a deep breath.
i wanted to explain it to them so they didn't
worry, say it was just a little bump and that
i'd be over it in just a bit.

i took a deep breath and knew i wouldn't
be able to talk without tears.

so, there, in the lighting aisle, i said
'i can tell you, but i'm gonna cry.'

and that's when i watched zakk....
he had turned to look at a lamp....
and when i said that, he turned back to
me and grinned.

he was ready.

go ahead mom.
do tears at lowes.
i can handle it.

he didn't say that with words, but his eyes
sure said it.

and i laughed.

man, has he come far.
he used to have trouble bein' around my tears.
which around here, can be rough!

he'd stay near by but you could see he never
knew what to do. he would shift around. not
sure where to put his eyes and kinda sway
a little bit.

well, my almost 18 year old man didn't turn
away or look uncomfortable.
he smiled at me and moved closer all the while
giving me eye contact.

i totally noticed it.
and i totally realized he has grown into one
heck of a young man.

so i told them about some self doubt i was
having and that i just needed to figure it out.

they were right there.
so gentle and so caring.
and telling me i was being completely silly
and why.

i still have the self doubt.
but from talking to them, i see that i just
need to believe in myself and keep trying.

so i took a deep breath right there in the
lighting department, wiped my tears, and
started talking lamps with the guys.

we didn't get any lamps.
but i tell ya.....i got something pretty
cool there.

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