Thursday, January 21, 2010

this embracing stuff continues....

okay, so maybe the twenty first day of
the first month of the year is too early
to declare what kinda year it's gonna be.

but one can be hopeful....

i'm declaring this the year i finally
understand bob!

well.....okay........maybe i should say
understand him a bit more.

and then, of course, because this is how
i work........i take that thought and run
with it and think this is the year i
understand everyone a bit more!!!

maybe this is the year i can sit back a
bit and watch more. and appreciate more.

control less.

all around me.

hmmmm......could be good.

i've been feelin' like i've turned some
kinda good corner with bob. so that's been
good. feelin' like i've been putting into place
a lot of the things i learned last year.
and seein' them work.
this is really really good news.
major hoping i can make it continue
thru out the year.

and then last nite.....i watched.
and i listened. and i saw.

i didn't need to read anything into anything.

there's a lotta freedom in that!

i just watched.

he brought up gratitude.
but in his way.
not mine.
his way takes about 20 thousand less
paragraphs. never uses pretty words like
'magic' or 'glorious'....never involves
major body's just quietly
and quickly spoken.
and runs just as deep if not deeper.

but if you blink, you'll miss it.

i didn't blink.
i saw it and smiled.

the man lives gratitude.
but unless you sat and watched, you may
never notice. and something about that
really intrigues me.

at some point he had stood up after doin'
some kinda arm exercise and he stood there
in the dimly lit room talkin' to me.

i was sitting down tryin' to keep my back
in a good spot. so i sat there and just looked
up at him. and watched him.

he was talkin' about something and thru it
i saw these subtle things in what he was

his loyalties, priorities, progress with
his own inner work....they were all oozing
out of everything he said.

he didn't know it.
and unless you sat still and really listened,
no one else would catch it either.

how cool is this???

he works totally differently than i do.

and trusting stuff i don't understand,
especially when it's touching my heart,
and my's
taken me years to get here.


we gotta be clear here.
i have TREMENDOUS amount of trust in this
man. there is tremendous trust between us.

there's a long way to go.
i'm not sure if i'll ever totally trust anyone.
not sure if that's humanly possible.
don't know.
but do know i want to go really far into that
trust territory.
and there's been a door that just hasn't been
opening....until now.

and the thing is....
i see it opening with him....
and i see that actually opening me to something
else that i can take with me all over my world.

maybe it's a truer understanding that we all
really work differently....and that that's okay.
take that sentence and run it deeply thru your
heart. cause it's not a surface sentence.

years ago, bob challenged me when i was totally
thrown by the differences in us. he looked at me
and asked 'isn't it possible, terri, that we're
trying to get to the same place just in entirely
different ways?'

that question has haunted me for years.
to really sit with that question requires some
major honesty within yourself.

and for me, some major growth.

there's been a control freak, a body guard,
and some kinda weird accountant that had to be
let go of for me to get to this spot i'm in

and i'm thinking there will be a whole lot
more letting go of....

and judging from last nite....a whole lot more
to embrace.

i'm diggin' this embracing stuff.

the letting go stuff has always seemed so hard.
this embracing stuff feels sooooo darn good!

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