Sunday, January 24, 2010

wakin' up.....

this one's a little tough to write,
but i offer it up because i believe it's

please handle with care.

two things that will collide and work
together here....

first one:
bob brought up our journey together
yesterday. how far we had come, how
much we had grown, and how deep it feels.
i asked him if he had noticed this corner
i feel that i had turned.
he absolutely had. described it to me,
and i smiled. yeah, he's noticed.

we talked of our life together and the
trust inside me was strong and steady.

that's been a heck of a long time comin'.

and it feels way way good.

the second thing:

we innocently got into another conversation
that ended up opening my eyes wide.

he casually asked me a question about
my family....
i casually answered.
he asked another.
i tried to answer honestly.
which meant i had to look.

and by the time we were done, something big
had happened. i want to offer it here, but
hesitate to do so.

there isn't one smidgen of family bashing
here. this isn't about them. this is about
the process of someone figuring out they're
valuable. and that's what needs to be seen
here. and that's why i offer it.
for others who need to figure that out.
my family is made up of people who have good
hearts and fumble a lot along the way.
like most of us. i do not blame them here.
that's not what this is about.

it's too simple to say 'my family doesn't
like me.'
we all know that's too simple.
i can go on for volumes and try to explain
what all that means to me....but it's not
the point.

the point is the feeling.....

the FEELING that i carry is that i disappoint
my family, i pain them, and they'd definitely
do a whole lot of tweaking on my being if they
were able to.

ya gotta understand that feeling.
and how deep that feeling runs.
cause it has run so deep it's carved current
marks in my bones.....

bob reminded me of when i first met him years
and years ago, of how heavy i carried the feeling
that i didn't matter. how closely i tied that
feeling with my family relationships and how
hard it was for me to sort thru.

yeah, i remember.

i've come a long long long way with it all.
but bringing those deep feelings into a
relationship can make for some pretty big
hurdles. trusting someone when they tell you
they love you doesn't just happen easily.

over the years, bob could not have proven
more to me how much he loves me. and i have
mostly trusted it to a point.

to a point.

poor guy.

but this corner i've taken with him....well..
the trust is deeper. that point has to be made
clear here too.

okay, back to that feeling that i carry....
it's way way changed, i've worked for years
and years and years on it....and i'm way better
with it all.

but there are times.....and these times are more
than just once in a blue moon....where the deep
doubts of myself will come up.

i see them a lot when someone tells me that i
matter to them and they say it in such a beautiful
way that i can't ignore it. that i want to hold it.
and i go to hold it and a voice comes up....
'they don't know. they can't know. they do not really
know who you are. because if you were worth it,
if they were right, your family wouldn't feel the
way they do.'

i don't think i'm the only one carryin' that kinda i wanted to put it out here.

those voices come at some crazy moments.
i've gotten so i see them, and answer them, and tell
them to go away......
but they've said what they've said, and i feel it.

over the years that i've been workin' on this stuff,
something has just naturally been happening. i haven't
tried to make it's just happened on its
own. it's become totally clear to me with no doubt
at all that my family doesn't know me. they have no
idea who i am or what goes on inside of me. their
views of me are stories and images that they've
created since i was small, put together, and pasted
other things on to.

i believe that with my whole heart.
they do not see me nor do they know me.

i don't question that any more.

logic please, ter?

bob and i will celebrate SEVEN YEARS together
in march....

we said yesterday how it's taken us seven years
to sort thru our crazy stuff, figure each other
out, understand how to work with each other, and
trust each other. seven years.

and i believe he knows me more than anyone else
in the world. i believe he sees me. and i believe
he loves me.

that's big.
that's big comin' from my history and those
current marks in my's big.

he loves me and he knows me.
he doesn't want to tweak my very being. i don't
disappoint him by who i am, and i don't pain him
by who i am. he actually, truly really likes who
i am.

go figure.

the others who see me the most and know me the
most are my sons. and by golly, it's the same
deal with them.....they truly like who i am.

go figure.

so here i am with people who truly truly see me.
on the daily basis, in the grit and the hard the good and the bad.....and i do
believe they know me.

logic would say that using the argument that i
can't be so good because my family doesn't think
so....well that doesn't work so well as my REAL
family DOES think so!

and i trusted in it last nite.
and it whirled inside of me.

and yes, i knew that ultimately it didn't matter
if this family of mine knew....what ultimately
mattered was that *i* knew.

and i'd like to think that if they didn't know,
i would somehow find the way to know all on
my own. that i'd find the courage to find it
anyway. and i think i would.

but i caught a break.
i could pull myself up with their love.
i could pull myself up and tell them all about it
last nite. i could pull myself up and go...hey!
look at this.....

and somewhere....very deep....and very quietly....
i could feel a part of me inside stepping up and
sayin' 'yeah. i see you too. and i know you too.
and i love you too.'

it made me light headed.
it did.

'it's a powerful thing to watch a woman wake up.'

that's a bone sigh i wrote years ago....

to witness myself coming to my value....
it makes me light headed.

i turned to bob last nite and sincerely asked
him 'have i figured this out before and forgotten?
have i been here before and just found it again?'

cause i do that.
a lot.

'different flavors of it' he said....
and he reminded me of how i used to feel and how
far i've come....

and he smiled big.

and i smiled back....thru some tears...
i smiled back.


Nurse Practitioner Sue said...

This is the first time I've read your blog & teared up. Yet, this was beautifully written and spot on; I feel the same - I have those same scripts & my family thinks things about me that nobody else in the whole world thinks ...I honor your ability to keep true to yourself, hold onto it, honor it. That's who the others see - the REAL you, the authentic one. I love you.

Anonymous said...

The most valuable part of this powerful post was your saying that you'd like to think you'd have figured it out on your own even if you were surrounded by these people who know you and love you. That's important for the people who felt as you did and don't have anyone for show them their worth. Thx for saying that. It's a lot harder to do w/o others, but thx for believing it can be done at all.

Angela Donaldson said...


I love this post I am not where you are just yet but I hope to someday.

I struggle daily with someone telling me that they care or love me, because past has always proven they will hurt me, or will soon change their minds.

It was beautiful and I can feel all what you said in my heart ♥

Melbo said...

My heart pounded reading this one. I saw so much of myself, my family, my own love in your writing - your experience. I feel today and I just realized it is something that I haven't really allowed myself lately.Thank you for wakin' up - both you AND me.

Merry ME said...

Tearing Up....
Been there so many times before but this week I've felt the heaviness of not being known. People say they love me but don't have a clue how I work/who I am. Then when I try to tell them I get sucked into feeling less than/defending myself and turning into who I think they want me to be.

I'm tired.

Carmen Rose said...

O mercy, I hear you loud and clear. To love and be loved in a way that really fits us... that's the most beautiful thing in the world.