Monday, February 15, 2010

churning

so i got on the tread mill without my music.
too much to think on this morning....
and so i walked and walked and walked on that
silly thing.

and i thought.

and i thought....okay......i feel crazed inside
again. fine. whatever. maybe i can just ignore
that and do all the things i want to do today.
yeah. yeah. let's just ignore it.

hmmmmm.......that's dumb, i thought. it'll just
come back.

and so i launched into a debate of how much energy
to give the crazy feelings. too much energy directed
that way, and it takes over. not enough, and it
takes over.

there's a balance here somewhere.
maybe i can find it.

i walked and my thoughts rambled.
i have no idea how i got to a memory i got to.
but somehow, i remembered when i was a young teen
workin' at a 'hospital' that i used to volunteer at.
it was an institution in the worst sense of the word.
and there was a ward full of kids who had been stashed
in this place and would never leave. they had a range
of things....from physical deformities to severe autism
to muscular dystrophy to all kindsa things. forgotten
children.

i volunteered there all my teen years. and early on,
i ended up making construction paper name tags for over
the cribs and beds. just to brighten the place up a bit.
i started with the kids i worked with. too shy to do but
a few. but gradually nurses from different rooms would ask
me to make them for their rooms, and after a bit, i had
decorated the whole ward. i was prolly 15. and these were
just construction paper animal cut out name tag things.
nothing fancy for sure. but ANYTHING brightened up that
place.

i remembered my heart back then. i remember being shy
about creating things for others, but seeing that it
could help, i went ahead and did it.

i looked back at that young teen, and now at this late
forty something woman.

ohmygosh.
some things REALLY don't ever change.

and i could see my heart was so the same.
i like to think it's wiser now....but the desires,
the drive, the caring.....it's all the same.

and i held on to that.

this midlife stuff can unnerve me.
things don't feel familiar.
i don't understand what's going on inside me sometimes.
i want the churning to stop.
i don't know where to hang on to.

and then.....i saw my heart.
and i saw it was steady.
and i liked it.
looking back at it....and all along.....
i liked it.

and as i walked on that tread mill, i held on
to that. something steady to hold in the waves.

my soul is churning. and i'm not sure what to
do with it sometimes. when i read that line
i posted below about it demanding to be seen,
loved and honored...oh wow......that actually
calms me down a bit.

is that what the churning is?
and how does the soul connect to my heart?
if i can see my heart and recognize it and love
it and honor it...am i seeing my soul?
is that something different?

i'm not sure. but i figure starting with my heart
is a good place to start. and i tell ya, that was
the first steady moment i felt on that treadmill
when i saw it was the same all along and it was
something i could look at and hold.

i have been talking for years about seeing myself.
maybe my soul is tired of all the talk and wants
some action.

maybe that's what this is all about......

2 comments:

Merry ME said...

Oy yes, my dear, dear friend,
It is the same heart. Maybe a little older, wiser, bruised and scarred, but the same heart. And the way you can tell is because it hasn't shut down and closed off from life. It continues to make nametags, valentine hearts, bonesighs, and smiles. It may be the biggest heart in the whole world. Hold on to that thought and let the craziness dissipate.

Verity Vaudeville said...

There is comfort when we realise that we can trace ourselves back. That we can recognise that we are still attached to who we used to be, our former versions. Even though so many other things may have changed it's reassuring to think that there is that one thing about us that remains constant, immovable. think sometimes all we need is that one reaffirming link to yesterday, otherwise all else feels lost.