Thursday, February 11, 2010

a muddled mess

took a long and slow walk this morning.
those boots were feelin' pretty heavy and
my legs weren't movin' so fast.
but that was okay, as all i wanted was
to be out in the snow and feel the cold.


i walked and thought about feeling things.
REALLY feeling things.

feeling things so deeply you become them.


all of it.

how if you really let go and feel it, it's
like wading into an ocean. and then swimming
in the middle of an ocean.

yeah, but i feel like such a little girl,
i thought as i trudged in my boots that
were too heavy for my legs.

that ocean looks awful big to a little girl.

ah, but you're not a little girl, i thought.
and it's not an ocean.

you and it are the same thing.

oh man.

one feels so small (that would be me)
and one feels so gigantic (that would be
love and fear and all those things)

are you afraid you won't be able to swim
back? i thought.

yeah. a little.
or a lot.

then i realized i was confused.
it's not getting lost in emotions.
getting lost in a sea of emotions wouldn't
necessarily be a good thing.

it was different.

it was becomeing love that i wanted.
and the path to that was wading straight
into fear, joy, sorrow, happiness....all
of it.

and then i got really muddled.

i've been struck this past week at our
ability to let go and become love. at our
ability to let go and become joy.

we have the ability to let go and go beyond
our selves.

we have the ability to let go of ourselves
and become more.

i am positive of that.
i've touched it.
and it scares me.
and i'm not sure why.

and yet.....i want it.
i think.
only maybe not yet.

i'm not sure.

i know there's lessons in here for me.
but i can't quite sort them yet.

so thought i would start with the muddle
and we'll just go from there.

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