turning that corner

a corner has been turned here, and there's some
sense of excitement kinda flickering down deep
inside of me.

to explain, i have to go thru the wobbly part.
don't misunderstand and take the wobbly part as
what's goin'on.

cause that would be a big mistake!

i've been too chicken to do my numbers for the
year so far. i knew they were bad. just didn't
want to see how bad.

but something got into me, and i sat down and
did them.

woe.

really bad.

so bad that something happened. like there was a
snap inside. and any residues of moping and fear
driven slowness left me.

i turned to my computer and shot out an email
to these men in my life. (my sons and bob.)
i put out exactly what was up and then told them
the good news. as there was good news.

there are ways we can make this all work while
it's really slow.

i wrote them that i wasn't upset over the numbers,
that they were so bad that i had somehow hit
'warrior mode.' and i had.

it was cool to turn to the closest people in my
life and let them in on it.

i had a great day yesterday diving into everything.
one of the best days i've had in a long time.

this morning as i walked, thousands of thoughts
filled my head. searching thoughts. tryin' to figure
out how to do this or do that. reminding myself that
i can do this.

those kind of thoughts.

workin' hard thoughts.

and i was filled with some sense of excitement.
something felt really good.

and i thought back to when i started all of this in
the first place. there's a whole lot of the same feelings.

the 'how on earth am i going to pull this off?' thing
mixed in with an 'eat my dust' kinda attitude.

it's an odd feeling i've only had when i've
been faced with really big things.

and i felt it and loved it.

there's a big difference between now and when i started.
actually a few big differences....
first of all, we're already doin' it! whew.
that's a big one! we just need to keep making it work!
and second of all, my heart isn't layin' splat out
all torn to shreds. whew. another big one!

what a difference those two things make!

i'm excited to stretch myself again. to do things
that scare me again. to take the next steps i need to.
to not sit still.

to turn the corner......

i really truly am.

i didn't think i was a big fan of doin' things that
scared me. but this morning i'm kinda loving it.
it feels way alive.
it feels way challenging.
and it feels way good to know i'll do it.

i want to become more.

i've told the universe i don't need to be taught
with pain anymore. i'll get the lessons without
having my face kicked in, so take it easy.

and i feel like....if i mean that, then maybe
i'd better do that.

this morning i'm thinking the lesson is don't
sit still. keep growin'. keep stretchin'. do things
out of your comfort zone. trust when it looks like
you can't trust. cause that's the only time trust
really matters.

live your life with all of you.
pour yourself into it.
throw the regrets, the self doubt and the limitations
out the window.......

turn the corner and shine.

ohhhhhhhhhhh................i like that!