feelin' kind......

it's been one heck of a week.
my head has been spinning.
every emotion that could come thru
seems to have made the rounds.
three times.
at least.

so when i heard she wanted to talk to
me, i wondered if i should maybe wait
a day or two til i got a little less spinny.

i sat and thought about it.
you can do this, ter.
you can do this.

and so i did.
when i was all done,i stood up out of my chair
and said 'you were kind, ter. you were really kind.'

i smiled. made a joke to myself about ringing
necks...enjoyed the comic relief and then said
out loud again 'you were kind.'

i really liked that i was.
it mattered a lot to me.
it felt like that authenticity that i was looking
for. it felt real to me.

and to feel authentically kind is pretty awesome.

speaking from the ego, i had every right to
point out a thousand truths that would have stung
and made some really great points. a large part
of me wanted to.

so i am also authentically full of ego.

i am authentically full of a lot of stuff.
both good and bad......

but...but....but.......the kindness stepped up and
took over.

the other never would have been heard, and i would have
just created more hurt.

i walked this morning thinking about it.

it's particularly powerful for me as these particular
people in my life don't see me as kind at all.

they see me as non giving.

so i'm giving something from my depths that takes a lot
of strength to people who will never see it. who will
never see me.

ahhhh.........that used to break my heart.
that used to feel so tragic.

today it feels sooo empowering.
to know who i am.
and to know kindness is part of me.

and to feel, at least for today, that i can look someone
in the eyes who has a completely wrong perception of who
i am and tell them they haven't a clue. or not tell them.

to not even have to tell them.

and be okay with that.

there was a time i believed their wrong perceptions.

and then.......when i started to believe my own, my heart
still broke that they saw what they saw.

now, at least for today, i'm dancin' over me seeing what i
see and me knowing what i know.

and not having to educate them.

there is great relief in not having to educate the world......