hard won

walkin' this morning thinking of two notes i read
recently. one was from someone i don't know very
well, but she was sharing a really hard moment she
had.

someone tore into her, in front of other people,
and no one offered her any kind of compassion. it
was a work related thing. no one stopped by afterward
to say anything, and she felt very alone.

it brought up a lot of stuff about her dad.
ah yes, the darkness we try to climb out of comes back
at such moments. i could just feel that with her as
she wrote.

then a friend wrote this morning who was dealing with
some triggering she was having that brought her back
to some trauma in her life. again, the triggers...

i wrote her and reminded her that everything she had
been thru had brought her to who she is now.

i say that a lot to people. i guess i feel like we need
reminding.

she answered that she knew, but it feels 'a little hard
won.'

and that's the phrase i thought of as i walked.

hard won.

no kidding, huh?

i'm thinking every woman i know would agree to that.

maybe every person.

i walked faster and harder and thought of the things i
felt were hard won. and how i can still get triggered with
things and how my reactions are not always what i want them
to be.

and i thought of what i told my friend.....all that stuff
has made me who i am. and the hard won stuff? that can feel
mighty awesome at times! and yeah, it can feel might heavy
too....

but i think that's life. you can't have mighty awesome without
mighty heavy.

maybe you can't stand tall without having been knocked flat.

i don't know.

but today, because i'm in a good mood i can see the beauty of
the hard won. i can see beauty in standing up after being knocked
flat.

i can see the beauty in learning that crying is healing and that
you aren't that little kid bein' knocked around anymore. or
you're not the victim of that person in the past, that you're
a woman who knows compassion now and who can cry for her wounds
and smile at her growth. that you are full and complicated and
amazing and strong and yes, weak at moments too. that you are
everything. and that just totally rocks.

now, tomorrow, when i'm not there anymore, maybe my friend can
remind me of this outlook....

cause that's what friends do.