ohmygosh, it was just too gorgeous out not to
take a long walk. the weirdos would have to bug off
cause i wanted to be out in it. it's cooler and i
love the cool...
little did i know 'weirdos' would be a theme today...
so out i went. and i got to thinking about a conversation
i had with a friend yesterday about success. she was
pondering what success really was, and we did a little
email exchange with some ideas.
opening my heart ends up in those kinda conversations.
bottom line that's what i think i need to do.
and we talked about the hard moments when that's really
hard to do....and how doing it is success to me.
so i was thinking about all that AND some goofy stuff too.
got to talkin' with some buds on facebook about childhood
games. it brought up a bunch of memories. something i didn't
include, cause who the heck cares, was some goofy thing i
did when i walked. just kinda zig zagged my feet over the
middle line of the road.
so, as i walked, i thought, ya know.....what the heck....
i looked up to see where i was to see if i was alone. just
one house, and he sleeps late.
so i started zig zaggin' up the street and laughin' and
wonderin 'how i knew that guy slept late. and then the
memories started all comin' on in.
he's an older guy. old enough to be my dad. my sons and i
had been friendly with him and helped him with a project or
two. and i'd see him around a lot. we had been in each others
kitchens sharing a tea. that kinda thing.
this was all years ago, when i first split up. i hadn't seen
him around, was worried...remember...in my mind, he was an old
guy...and called. didn't get him. left a message.
days later, still no word, i called again. same deal. left a
message. and yeah, my messages can be long and goofy and fun
and well....not just call me back.
days after that i was driving by, saw him, pulled over to check
in with him and he was really angry with me. really really
apparently the timing of my calls were at the exact time he
was trying to woo his girlfriend (who was old enough to be my
mom) back into his life. and he thought i DELIBERATELY called
to mess that up.
i remember sitting in my car, watching his anger, and being
completely stunned. and completely hurt.
it was a time in my life i was incredibly wounded from people
close to me not seeing me.
i couldn't take it.
i remember being totally astonished, telling him he was completely
mistaken, and driving away.
i've been hurt for years over that one.
and today i am laughing my self silly over the whole thing.
as i zig zagged up the hill, past his house, i started laughing.
you have GOT to be kidding me! um....you're an old man. excuse me!
are you just a little bit bizarre or what?!!
i mean, even if he was this guy my age that i had some kinda thing
for..ummm.......excuse me??? would i really do that????
and i just started laughing and laughing.
and for the first time since it happened i totally saw how incredibly
ridiculously bizarrely funny it was.
this man is one of the most anal people i've ever met and he's really
uptight and grumpy. AND HE'S OLD!
i mean, old is relative.......but PLEASE!
so then it all hit me.......
i was remembering how hurt i was. i was remembering how much self doubt
i had in myself. stuff like 'my gosh, terri, you're just too darn
friendly. you can't be so friendly with people. you give wrong messages.'
but i didn't give that message.
someone made that up!
my dad used to tell me i was too friendly.
would tell me things like 'it would help if you didn't treat everyone
in the world like your best friend.' and he'd scold me and mean that.
this isn't my problem here!
and i laughed and zig zagged and felt so free.
i want to open my heart. and there have been times when really
weirdo people have stopped me, slowed me down, closed me up.
and i think some of those people are weirdo thru and thru, like
my ol' man up the street, and some of those people just have
weirdo parts. like a lotta people have weirdo parts. and they put
stuff on you.
they put their weirdo parts on you.
and we take it. or at least i do. and i take it and i subdue
myself and tell myself i need to be different because i must
be doing something wrong.
how about not.
and then i thought of my conversation with my friend yesterday.
do i want to die and look back and realize that i didn't open as
much as i wanted to cause of some weirdo people who got mad at me
for their own bizarre little deals???
and i don't need to get mad at them or think i'm better than them,
or feel anything icky towards them. i can just laugh at the silliness
of it all and go the other way....i can just zig zag my little self
to where i want to be....away from there, with an open heart.
it was all so clear and funny to me this morning!!!