steppin' into a challenge

i'm thinking about all these lessons and thoughts
i'm getting.....the open pipe (see blog below),
the stars, the making my heart strong...all of that.

it's all really really good stuff.

and i really really want to remember it now and
use it.

bob and i are headin' back into rough waters.
truth is, we're still tryin' to steady out from
some stuff as it is. it's not good timing.

and now we're headin' into an area that tests
us the most. we both know it, we're both concerned,
and we're both committed to doing all we can to
weather it as well as possible.

we talked about it last nite. it ranged from
total frustration to deep love. as long as we
don't let the total frustration take over, and
can keep touching that deep love, we should do okay.

thing is.....that gets way harder than you think.

there are some pretty big challenges to each having
our own family.

i'm worried.

last summer was a really really hard one for us
and i've been afraid of this summer.
sure enough, it's setting up nicely to be another
big challenge.

so while i watch this, i see clearly that i have
a lot of fear inside.

there's fear of the hurt....
but more fear that as hard as i try, it'll still
crumble around me.

i wanted to put this out there cause it's as honest
as i can get and i want the journey recorded.

when i sit back and look at all the work i've done
since last summer, i know i've grown a ton and i
know that i have strength now i didn't have then.
i know that.

i've got tools, i've got ideas and plans, i've got
strength....

thing is......i've got fear. and i don't have control.

no stinkin' control.
and lots of stinkin' fear.

i never have control, i know that. but with my own
family, i can at least fake like i do....

so....i've stepped into a stretch of the journey that's
gonna make me face my lack of control, my ability to
love people for who they are and not for who i need
them to be, and my belief that i am loved even when
i can't see it. which, by the way, is a killer for me.

and i'm afraid.

so.
something i know is fear and self doubt are only gonna
hinder....

so i think what i'm gonna work the most on is the fear.
this is really big for me. this is a really big part
of my growth.

i think of one of my favorite bone sighs:

maybe it’s not about the darkness.
and maybe it’s not about the light.
maybe it’s about the knowing.
the knowing there is sacred always.
even when you can’t see it.
maybe it’s the knowing that’s the
holy part.

i'm gonna work on this....put my money where my mouth
is. actually.....my heart......put my heart where my
mouth is....

and we'll see where we go.......