Sunday, June 13, 2010

gettin' there.....

i got somewhere.
this whole head/heart thing.
i made progress.

can't say i'm totally there....
but i got far yesterday. really far.

i had help.
and i needed it.
my guy gave it to me.
i had spilled all this head/heart struggle
(see blog posts below) to him over the phone
on friday.

saw him quickly at josh's gig friday nite and
wasn't sure he had comprehended the spilling
that i had done. no sign of comprehension.
oh well, i thought, this is up to me anyway.

and then, from the minute he walked in yesterday
to the minute he left, i knew he had comprehended
and was trying to help. i could feel it.

he never said so on his own. he doesn't. he just
does things. i asked him about it at some point,
cause it sure felt like it to me.
sure enough...yes. he had been very aware of it all
and had been trying to help.

in the safety and space he provided, i tuned into
my heart and i kept trying to allow it to open.
i talked to it. i went to it. i felt it. i held it.
i touched my heart.

i touched my heart with his help.
i didn't know how i was gonna get there.......
but he guided me and encouraged me....
he loved me into it.

he loved me into it.


i did good.
and as time went on, i noticed something.
i was feeling deep deep gratitude.
for him. for other things. for lots of things.

gratitude is usually a constant companion of mine.
but when it leaves, it takes me awhile to be aware
of it and name it. but i know something's not right.

as the gratitude came back last nite i could feel it.
ohmygosh......i haven't had that lately, i thought.

i didn't even realize it.

how can you have an open heart if you don't have
gratitude? i think for me, it's impossible.
they are completely entwined.

i can't say i'm completely open. but i can say i'm
way way more in my heart than i have been.

and i know some of this is protection.
but i don't believe i need it.

so i will continue to gently massage my heart and let
it know it's okay.
and i am going to concentrate on the gratitude today.

i need that today to face a hurdle.
and i think i can find it.
not sure if i can hang on to it.
but i'm gonna try.
and if i don't.....i'm gonna be gentle with that too.

i'm gettin' there.
with a whole team of people behind me, i'm gettin' there.

a p.s. to anyone who's been reading and relating and struggling
and doesn't have that partner to love them back....i do know
how lucky i am to have that. i also think tho, that it's love
that did it. love. and love comes from friends too. and friends
can help hold that space for you. two of my biggest space holders
right now are two of my friends. and i think now, i realize, i just
have to rest in the space these people make with their love and
use that space to hold my heart. i think i just learned that

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it's best - temporarily - not to open our heart; to keep some boundaries of self-protection. For some, this is a crucial skill (as a nurse) for if our hearts were open all the time, we'd simply crumble from the pain we are holding.
For me it's not all or none; it's about balance....and sometimes maintaining that balance means i limit rhe pain I
allow in. For example, one coping mechanism I have is: turn off the TV & avoid exposure to the news. Take care of yourself, Terri because you are loved.