a journey

so yesterday i figured out i was in my head,
not my heart.

okay. i figure that's a trust thing towards my
heart/emotions.

okay. i think about it all day.
here and there i have a tearful conversation.
but...the tears are controlled.
i can tell a lot want to come out. i only let
some out.

i'm thinking i'm making some progress and working
more from the heart when i go off to hear josh
play his music at the relay for life.

i love to hear josh play. lights up everything
for me. THIS will help, i think.

i don't think twice about it being at the relay
for life until i get there.

bam. my heart shuts its doors tight.

i walk by some signs with pictures of women
on them. not sure if they were survivors or not.
cause i didn't stop to read them.
i looked over, saw them, hesitated, as normally
i would have read each one.....i would have spent
a long time reading....
instead, i turned and walked away fast.

i said hello to the guys. zakk was in charge of
sound, noah in charge of pictures, josh in charge
of entertainment.

i pointed to a spot in the field that was empty.
i'd be there, i said. took my book and settled in.

i didn't say hello to any of the women there. i didn't
find out what it was all about and what they were
doing. i didn't want to know.

someone i love has just been told she's incurable.
yeah.
what a word.

i'm havin' a hard time dealing with that.

you would think i would want to hear stories of hope,
stories of survivors.
no.
i just wanted to ignore the whole thing.
pretend cancer doesn't exist.

and so i sat there all by myself and ignored the place.

bob showed up as josh was playing and sat next to me.
i wasn't all alone.

i still felt it tho.

hiding from my heart.

josh did great. rocked the place. i watched him
and loved it. i'm amazed how he can do that. he's
so comfortable up there and chats between songs and
jokes when things mess up.
it's so fun to watch him. and so i got lost in that.

he finished, bob left, i joined the guys.
we talked of where to go grab something to eat.
zakk and i were to decide as we walked back to get my car.

zakk innocently turns to me as we walk and asks
'where do you want to go?'

i choke up.
the people have been talking over the loudspeakers.
i can hear them talking of surviving.

'i just want to get out of here.' i say to him.
he looks over at me, registers how i'm feelin' and
starts talking to drown out the speakers.

i smile at him. joke to him about what he's doin'.
and walk faster to get out of earshot.

obviously i am thrilled people are surviving.
obviously i want people to support each other and have
these kinda events.

i just don't want to think about one of the things
i'm hiding from. that's all.
don't make my heart open.
just don't do that.

funny.
this is what i want.
an open heart.
and this is why i'm posting this.
cause i want to journey to have one.

and it's when times are really full and difficult that
i'll be tested.
so far, i'm not doin' so good.
but that's okay.
cause i'm learning.

i'm watching.
and i'm thinking a lot about it.
and i'm gonna figure this out....while at the same time
i'm gentle and loving to myself.

this is gonna be my topic this weekend.
how do i get from my head to my heart....

not sure yet......
but i'm workin' on it........