Friday, June 11, 2010

a little locked up....

i've been workin' hard lately.
both on outside stuff and inside stuff.

there's been a lot swirling around me and
in me and all over the darn place.

i think when it gets like that i get
kinda cerebral. which even makes me laugh
typing this. i'm not really your cerebral
kinda gal....

but when the waters are a bit choppy,
i seem to operate from my head. my head
knows the deal, knows what will keep me afloat,
what will knock me down, what will help me
cope, what will help me goin' forward.what
i should do, what i shouldn't do. oh my gosh,
my head knows all that.

um....that's all good
my inner child needed some attention.
and my head knew that.
so i took a walk and with my head tried to
attend to that part of me.

hmmmmmm.....i can see why this method won't work
for some people. you can't do it from your head.
at least, i can't.

my gosh did that flop.

there was only one point that i even felt close
to getting anywhere, and that's when my head
shut up, my heart rushed in, tears flooded to my
eyes, and then my head stepped in and stopped

they never even ran down my cheeks.

i finished the walk - and it was an extra long one -
without getting anywhere.

except for this...i saw my head's runnin' the show
and i know that's not okay.

i'm afraid to change it back to my heart.

just seein' that is helpful.

i don't plan on changin' that today.
in fact, i'd really like to get thru the next few
days like this....

no i wouldn't.
no i really really wouldn't.

thing is.......i want to get thru the next few days
in one piece....i'd like to get thru the next bit
of my life in one piece.

can i believe in my heart that much and know that i can?

i've got to.

i'm just not sure how to.

it's a trust thing, isn't it?
oh my yes.

it's a trust thing.


Christie said...

I can relate to this a lot. Whenever I try to lead with my head, my heart trembles a little, I guess it feels a bit lost and forgotten when I try so hard to be logical, the way most of the world says we should be.
But what I'm learning is that I'm not more in control of anything when my head is in charge,it seems that way, but I'm really more vulnerable because I'm cutting off such a large part of myself. For me, I like to be consciously vulnerable, when I allow my heart to lead, but don't lose my head, I may not be invulnerable, but I can usually manage to handle most of what comes my way.

Cathy said...

I certainly can relate to this as well, and when I'm asked to speak from my heart, I pause and look away, all the while rationalizing. My head protected me for a long time, and it's hard to unlearn that. Threat- head, all alone- heart spills all over the place. So frustrating!! Someday, I hope.