being female......

i'm walkin' on the treadmill, and i have no
idea why, but i have a memory of bein' in my
late teens and needing a bathing suit.

believe me, i have ALWAYS had body issues and
buying a bathing suit really has never been
a fun thing.

i remembered the tight budget, having to bike
where i was goin, so not too many stores to
choose from, and finding one bathing suit that
worked. it was one piece. not two. no bikini
for me. it was a last minute thing. found out
somewhere i was goin there was swimming. so it
was one of those....just grab it and hope for
the best deals....

i came home, tried it on and showed my mom.
now remember.....it was ONE PIECE. there were
no low cuts. it was about as basic as you get.
she took one look at me and said 'whatever you
do, don't let your dad see you in that.'

jeesh.

jeesh.
jeesh.

so i'm on the treadmill and i remember this.

is there any wonder i had body issues??

you all know the deal.....all those comments from
teen age boys.....i hung out with a lotta guys in
my neighborhood.....they were like brothers.....so
their comments were free and easy for them....and
hard for me.

the culture.......the pressures.......
we all know these deals...

and then my family where it wasn't okay to be female.
and lord knows, if you were gonna be female, don't
you dare even think about sexy. that was the problem
with being female...somehow sex was involved. and
sex....well you know........my gosh......

so i'm on the treadmill gettin' a bit hot thinking
about that remark.

and it occurs to me that my favorite clothes are
oversized men's clothes. that when i'm most comfortable
is when i'm in a huge guy's shirt and jeans.
when my body is completely lost and i don't have to
pay attention to it.

wow.

wow.

wow.

now, that REALLY is my favorite outfit. and i don't
want to take the comfort of that away from me. those
are my comfort clothes.

but um.......maybe being aware of that is important.

as i walked i looked down at my legs movin' along.

i LIKE being female now. it took awhile for me to even
figure out i was. but i like it now.

and what i want is to be a HEALTHY female.
it felt good to be movin' my body along workin' up a
sweat.
it felt good to be aware and tryin' to keep my heart
in shape.

i want to keep all of me in shape. my mind, and my heart.
and i want to rejoice in my femininity. because that
is such a huge part of who i am.

definitely something i'm going to be thinking about....