goin' a bit deeper...

so i got what sounds like really good news on the
dark story that i was crying about on the treadmill
this morning.....ONE of the stories.
the story that was making me wonder about good winning.

my friend called me with such joy in her voice and said
'it's a miracle!'
she was so happy.

we talked about how this was really empowering for everyone
involved. and i so saw that.

i hung up the phone and cried a bit.

and watched myself.

i was still pretty rattled.

and i figured out why.

while i'm THRILLED this looks like it will go a good
way.......a way that will be so positive and helpful...
and so empowering....
it COULD HAVE so EASILY not.

the darkness could have won this round.

and darkness DOES win rounds.

in crying on several girlfriend's shoulders today, i
got some pretty incredible wisdom about darkness and light.
and i feel like i'm soakin' in a whole lot right now.

but i'm not doin' a dance of joy....
because i'm still thinking.

what if the story went the other way today?
how far would it have shot me down?
to what depths of despair would it have sent me?
would i still believe in the light?

i am almost sure i would still believe.
and that part feels good.

i am almost sure that i've figured out that no matter
what......i have to keep loving and believing.

well......no.
i'm not sure 'no matter what'.......not sure i can do that.
but almost no matter what.

at least i'm pretty sure i'm on the right track.

but i think what's happened is i've gone down another level
into this whole 'darkness/light' stuff.

this whole 'good doesn't always win' stuff.

i think i spent so long just trying to get that concept down
that i haven't gone any further with it.

and today......i feel like i'm going further inside.
deep.
and i think it's really really good.
it's just really really deep.

i know something's growin' inside.
not sure what......but i am sure it's good.