prayer

i got on the treadmill and thought.
was gonna do music, but figured maybe i better
think a bit first.

something popped into my head.

an understanding.

still thinking of darkness winning.

and in one of those places in my life, where it
did win.....it occurred to me that it didn't totally
win everything.

that shoots of light did penetrate.
it wasn't a complete and total victory.

and some of those shoots still light moments
of my life now.

and when that happens, there is such a deep
appreciation for them.

amazingly enough, it happened yesterday.
i didn't even put that together til this morning.

a shoot of light from one of those dark victories
popped thru and unknowingly supported me thru the
struggles that i was feeling yesterday.

it's uncanny when i think about it now.
and that i didn't even put it together then.

i held it all.
and i don't even know how to describe this....
but my whole being felt like a prayer.

i was almost done on the treadmill.
time for one song.

grabbed my little music player.

the end of one song was goin'.....stevie ray.
my hero.
i smiled.
he's my reminder to live from my heart.

then melissa etheridge came on with testify.

i sang along and choked up as i went.....

here's some of they lyrics....


I, I want to testify
My love still lives and breathes
And my soul is screaming why
The thoughts won't let me sleep
Don't let hearts break
And don't let children cry
Before it gets too late
I want to testify


Rip through the wire that screens in my window
Throw open the shade that covers my mind
I'm going to touch I've got to believe
The bell tolls for me


i felt like i was prayin' as i was singing.....

i don't know how to describe it.
but i wasn't just praying
i WAS the prayer.

and then i headed to the shower.
i stopped to see if i could find my cd with
testify on it to play while i was showering.
but didn't see it.
did see susan boyle.
remember her??? from britains got talent fame or
whatever show that was....

i grabbed that.
she's got three religious songs on there.
amazing grace, how great thou art, and silent
night.

i played every single one of them.
very odd for me.

how great thou art got double running.
i sang along as the cold water poured over my
head......stepped out and made it repeat....
and went back to it.
eyes closed singing for all i was worth.

praying with all i had.
and letting all i had be the prayer.