mood swings

it's the bill paying thing.
it can totally change my mood sometimes.
i was havin' a really good day. really good.
and then it was time to pay some bills.
man. that can affect my mood.

i did what i had to do, then called bob looking for
a shoulder. he wasn't around. just as well, i thought
and headed up to start a puzzle.

the guys came thru and noticed a change in mood.
told 'em it was no big deal. i just needed to think it
thru. and laughed about how now every time they see
me with a puzzle, they're gonna worry. seems it's where i've
been headin' now when i'm tryin' to think something thru.

bob called later and i said it was nothing.
he pushed for me to tell him.
it was nothing. i was just being spoiled, i said.

that's what i had figured out as i worked the puzzle.
i have everything. everything.
so it gets tight here and there. so?
i thought of some of the life and death struggles around me.
and i knew i had everything.

i knew it in my head.
but that just isn't the same as knowing it in your heart, is it?

i ended up tellin' him about it. he was incredible. i even commented
on how incredible he's been lately. which of course, sounded like
he wasn't before. we laughed, and i got goin'.....

this morning, as noah and i biked, i could see this mood inside
me. wasn't good. it was hot already, i had made the mistake of
reading the news before we went out. i still felt troubled about
the stinkin' finances. just wasn't good.

waiting for my turn in the shower i sat here in the studio and
my eyes landed on some pictures hangin' on my wall.
it's my studio....i've got stuff tacked all over the walls.
all the photos are from the early days of bone sighs.
i noticed that. wondered why. then realized that was before
digital. once digital hit, the pictures hung out more in my
computer than anywhere else.

there's one of bob and i and another friend at one of my early
art gigs. bob and i were just friends then. the energy in the
picture is just great.

there's one of him cookin' for me one evening when he knew i was
really sad. there's another of him making me a tofu turkey on
the thanksgiving when i was gonna be all alone.

there's one of the boys having just finished workin' on the
car. noah's got his arms wrapped tight around his brothers, and
zakk is so much shorter than them both. hair everywhere. the
love comin' outta the picture enough to knock you down.

there's one of noah and zakk and another friend gathered around
my fax machine getting our very first fax ever for the business.
everyone's attention is on the fax.

one of me embracing my surrogate mom. one of zakk and i at the
amusement park. and one of all of us packed into our tiny little
tercel, with stuff strapped to the ROOF and the trunk headin' off
to an outta town art show. it's a miracle we pulled that one off.

there's shots of me with cousins i love, friends i love, customers
i've met, store owners i've worked with, and even one that noah
photoshopped of bob as elvis and zakk as napoleon.

i tell ya......looking at these things did it.
i can't believe it. seems like it usually takes more than that.
but i tell ya, i can't sit and look at these.....really look at
these and not see the road i've traveled and where i've come to
and what i've got.

i'd have to be blind.

the road is rocky and bumpy sometimes. smooth and easy other times.
never dull, and amazingly, amazingly full.

i'm headin' to the shower now.
it's my turn.
and as i head up, i feel completely different.

how did that happen?

i know, without a doubt, i am the richest person ever.