treadmill therapy

i got on the treadmill crying.
i so needed to walk some stuff out.
and i just started cryin' and walkin'
and cryin' and walkin.

there's three dark stories right around
me. and my heart is heavy with them.

mixed thru them is the idea that changed
my life a few years ago -

good doesn't always win.

when i figured that out a few years ago,
my world turned upside down.

i grieved a long time over that.

but haven't ever forgotten it or put it
down.

but it's in my face again. bam. so in my face.
will good win out in one of the stories
i'm holdin' close???

i meditated on it last nite.
prayed hard.
'don't let them win' i thought as i prayed....

as i cried this morning, i scolded myself for
having a small heart about some other things
goin' on. things that hurt my heart, but i felt
shouldn't if i were a bigger person.

yeah, i did.

but i stopped myself.

i had been strugglin' with my heart for a bit
this morning.

'if i were a bigger person....'
'if i had a more loving heart....'

i was running now. and crying.
and i stopped myself right there.

'wait just one minute.
wait just one minute.

there's darkness now. you don't know what
to do with it. you don't know anything about
anything....you don't know what to do or how
to help....

so where do you start???

ter, you have GOT to start with your own heart.

offer yourself some compassion.

be the love you want to see around you.
and start by being the love to yourself.

understand why you feel what you feel.
offer that compassion.
don't scold yourself.
understand yourself.

start there.

good doesn't always win. you got that. you know
that. and it might not win this time. you don't
know yet. but it DOES do things you don't even
know or understand.

you gotta hold on to that.

and you gotta offer it to yourself first.
or else you've totally dropped the ball.'

i looked down at my feet.
i held on to the handles of the treadmill and looked
down at my feet. i squinted my eyes and they were full
of tears. so i could see in a blur my feet goin' one
after another.

all you can do is keep moving forward, ter.
it's HOW YOU MOVE that matters.

move with love.
believe in it.

it's not gonna always give you the results you want.
so you gonna stop believing then???

start with your heart, ter.
and keep moving forward..........