for this moment......

i half had it in the beginning of the day yesterday.
i say 'half' because i also had fear.

but half of me had trust.

and heck, half is better than none.

so i let him in on it. told him i was concentratin'
on the trust. not the fear.

now and then i'd whisper out loud that i felt the fear.
but i kept goin' into the trust.

we laughed hard a couple times. layin' my head on
the kitchen table laughing.....doubled over in the
car laughing.

laughing truly is the best medicine.

and somehow....and i don't know how.....it helps with
the trust.

i heard myself say some really good lines.
and i checked to see if i believed them.
yep.
i did.

things like 'it's okay, it is what it is.'
and 'we have now, and that is what counts.'
and 'man, this is gonna be hard but we can do it.'

i heard those lines come out of my mouth at different times.
each time i silently checked.
yep. i'm on board.
yep,i'm trusting.

when the day was all done, and i was exhausted, i headed
for a shower...
for some reason, finances came up in my head.
i closed my eyes, and the money issues came up.

oh yes, another area that demands major trust.

and right there.......smack in the middle of my shower.....

i had it.
not half.
not part way.
i had full all the way trust.
about something that freaks me out a ton.......money.

i closed my eyes and said 'it's okay, i know it'll work out.
there doesn't have to be any big magic thing that happens this
week to convince me to trust. i'm there. i'll take magic as
i want magic. but i don't need it to believe. i'm there.'

i opened my eyes and realized something.......

spending a day stepping into trust, acknowledging the fear was
there, and going further into the trust anyway did something
inside of me.

by the end of the nite......i had it.
not half way.
all the way.
i had trust.

i had found it all the way as i went thru the day.
the turning away from fear over and over and turning into
trust over and over had moved me somewhere.

i had it.
i knew it'd go away again.
cause that's what it does.
but for this moment, i have it.

i went to sleep with the cool night air blowin' thru the
window....feelin' like one heck of a happy camper.