maybe three

i think it's been a month of losses for me.
some new losses, some losses i haven't quite
finished letting go of. and some 'near' losses
that rattled me pretty good. some losses i'm
just now seeing.

and it's knocked me hard.
it's been a month of mini meltdowns and a lot
of feelin' sad and lost.

and i honestly have no clue what happens and how
it all works, but i feel like coming out of this
month, and maybe comin' out of these past eight months,
somewhere, somehow, without me having a clue it was coming,
i gained some strength.

some really good strong, deep stuff.

where did that come from????

well, if another woman came up to me and told me that,
i'd grin at her and say 'silly, it was inside you all
the time. you just had to uncover it.'

oh.
yeah.
i bet so.

but how amazing is it to uncover it without even knowing
you're uncovering it?!

this month i saw me do stuff.
i saw me release into total confusion, and i saw me
hold the feeling of lost and weak.
yeah, more than once i felt weak. and i gotta say,
i'm not really into that feelin'.
funny thing, more than once i was really really strong.
not sure i held that tho.
i noticed it a bit.
noticed that i'd do whatever i had to do to keep on
my journey.

i notice that when it comes up.
it's a good feeling, one that makes my eyebrows raise up
and think 'okay, well, that's good you haven't lost that
part.'
but i don't think i really stop to rejoice about that too
much.

certainly not as much as i lament all the tears i have
to cry at times.

even i get that 'would you just pull yourself together and
stop crying' feeling.
me. the queen of tears.

but today, i'm sittin' back, lookin' at those moments, the
panic moments, the calm moments, the thoughtful moments,
the scattered, lost moments....all of it and i'm marvelin'
at it.

cause all those moments led me to this one.

this one i can't really describe other than two steps deeper
in...

two steps deeper in. heck, maybe three.

maybe three.

and THAT is what i love.
i love love love those steps.

and yeah, they make all the ick really really worth it.

now. let me see if i can operate from this place i'm in.

i sure would like to.