my world

apparently the snit fit wore me out.
i overslept this morning.
didn't mean to, and hopped outta bed realizing
i had missed the bike ride. noah was already onto
other things...'that's okay, you REALLY needed the
sleep,' he said.

yeah. i guess i did.

i sat on the porch with a cup of water sayin' good morning
to the world and trying to figure out where i was inside.

much more peaceful.
truly, hackin' the yard last nite did some good therapy on
me. i felt much more calm. and the depth of the swirling
wasn't nearly as deep.

it's a process, i thought.
i have to just kinda let it all do its thing.
sigh.

the 'yard waste' guys pulled up.
once a week they come to take any yard clippings away.
i had my stuff waiting for them. sat and watched them pull up.
i waved, said hello and hollered a thanks when they were done.
they hollered back.

and it felt so good. it really did.
huh?
what was that about? it really felt good. how come?

'cause they're MY yard waste guys,' i thought.

huh???

yeah, they were mine. part of MY life. part of MY world.
part of what i knew and what was steady.

i wanted my world today. i wanted to be in it. i wanted
to know it was there.

i looked at the yard and the garden.
i wasn't seein' a mess i had to do better with, and all
the weeding i had to do.....i saw MY yard and garden.
i saw a place i love.

i looked at the ants crawlin' around. those are MY ants,
i said. and smiled.

that's MY driveway. MY house.

my world.

a place where i could be totally me.
where i wasn't judged or scolded or frustrating anyone.
a place that didn't just understand me....it was part of me.

my world.

the voices of those guys made me realize that i so needed
my world today.

and it was different than yesterday.
yesterday i hid in here and tried to find comfort, but wasn't
connected at all to it.

this morning.....it was mine and part of me....
and i reveled in it.

i think that that really really deep stuff got mucked up inside
of me. it got pulled up and whoosed all around inside. like mud
messin' up the waters.

and the self doubt came floodin' in.
so deep.

looking around at my world, i remembered who i was.
i heard my voice sayin' hello to those guys.

i remembered.
and i knew.

and i relaxed into it.

looking at my life and my world.......i sat with it gratefully.

someone once told me i had built a life of love.

i don't want to doubt that.
i don't.

and doubting me is doubting that......
i walked back into my house, stood and looked at my
living room.

i don't have a darn thing that's worth anything money wise...
but every single thing has a story and a memory.
and i smiled.

my world.
it's holding me today.
and i'm holding it.

and that feels good.....