Thursday, August 5, 2010

she followed

i'm not even sure how to explain this,
i haven't thought it thru enough to understand
it, let alone put it in words...and yet, i think
it's important and i want to bop it out there while
it's inside of me.

a friend wrote and said she's been readin' the blog
and isn't quite sure what's up with me. i had to
laugh. that's cause there's difficult things happening
at every angle around me. luckily they're not MY
difficult things. but they are all affecting me somewhat.
and one day i'll be referring to one, another day another.
and not much of it makes any sense cause they're all
difficult, confusing things.

but there's something that's present in all of the
stories......my inner child. she's a constant. and each
story touches in on that part of me. that part of me is
gettin' everything from nudged to ambushed.

and something happened yesterday that felt big.

somewhere along the line i have come to feel that it's
my job to protect that part of me. to protect my inner child.
i feel like i dropped the ball for a long long time,
and i almost want to 'prove' to that part of me that
i'll take care of that part.

and somewhere in my mind, i guess i figured that meant
hiding her when needed, standing in front of her to block
things when necessary, holding her at moments, checkin' in
and feelin' the feelings as much as i can.

never once did it occur to me that there would come a
time when i would have to grab her by the hand/arm and
pull her forward.

i never even thought about that kinda thing.

and there i was.

even i don't know what i mean when i talk about her.
i don't know how to talk about this so it makes sense.

but somehow i saw yesterday that there's a part of me
that stands firmly in the belief that to take care of
myself, i must hide.

tread carefully with me here, i'm in total agreement
that there's times for that. there really are.

but not as many times as i feel the urge.

and....there are times that's exactly the wrong thing to
do.

i have been trying to step further and further into love.
and you can't hide and do that.

yesterday, there was a tug-o-war goin' on.
and i knew without a doubt, i needed to drag that part of
me forward.

it was new to me.
usually i convince all of myself and go from there.

this was different.

this was an actual pulling part of me along.

and i knew it was right.
i knew it was important.
and it felt kinda drastic.

i closed my eyes, saw her, and told her 'if we're ever
ever ever gonna get there, girl, we gotta do this.'

and we did it.

we did.

no one on the outside could tell what was goin' on.
no one on the outside could even tell i was happy about
what i had done.

cause sometimes some things are so deep only you know.

what i think tho, is these victories will show up on the
outside. they will show up in my actions, and words and
belief in myself, and in my eyes somewhere.

i'm pretty sure of that.

right now, i'm feelin' that victory floatin' around in
my veins.....

we did it.
that little girl and i.
i pulled, yeah...i pulled....
and she....she didn't run away....she followed.

and we keep on goin'.....

8 comments:

peggi said...

wow! right now, that's all i can say. WOW!

Qn Dani said...

...and sometimes i kneel down to her, pull her into my lap, and holding her head to my heart, tell that scared little girl that it's ok, it's all going to be ok. that i'm here and i'll take care of her and "this" because some things are for little girls like her) and some things are for grown-ups (like me) and this is one of those things for grown-ups. and then i smile and tell her to go outside and play so i can get busy taking names and kicking some butt for both of us when i need to.

XXOO

Pamela Jones said...

You made me think of Mister Rogers, talking to parents after 9/11. What he said was that sometimes children don't need to know all the details of horrible things -- sometimes they simply need to be assured that "it will be all right."

And it WILL.

Merry ME said...

AH, Mr. Rogers.
I found myself reading some of his quotes yesterday and feeling better myself.

As I read about dragging Little Ter out of hiding, I had the picture that Dani paints in my mind. I feel sure that even as you dragged, you did it with love and compassion. Good for you.

AkasaWolfSong said...

Ditto...

And Bravo!!!!

I know as a parent and grandparent sometimes I've had to grab the hand of my children or grandchildren and pull them along just because it was the healthy must do? And sometimes being firm and strong is just what is needed...

You've got it going on Miss StarCloud...you really do!

xoxoxo

Zenchick said...

this all made TOTAL sense to me-but I feel the same way; when I try to describe my relationship with my little me, I get a lot of deer-in-the-headlights looks.
This is phenomenal!!!
I only have two comments: you didn't drop the ball, Ter. You never HAD the ball. Maybe you just picked up now...
and what you were doing before wasn't "wrong" (implying there's a right way)--it was what you needed to do, until you were ready to do THIS.
You are a true inspiration!!!

itsjustme said...

Oh my gosh, protecting then pulling forward...I immediately thought of Madeleine. She's so brave..strong..and absolutely so resilient...I never seem to have to pull her forward. Little girls run to Mom when they're scared...I haven't had that with her...and it's always made me sad. Suddenly I see how much Madeleine reflects my inner child. I think my lil T wants to be so brave, but she's secretly yearning for an adult to pull her back and tuck her under...necessary or not. That's my tug-of-war. You totally brought me so much insight. You're da bomb!
Now to figure out what to do with it.

Jennifer said...

Wow! Thank you so much for sharing these victories in your journey. It is good to know that there others like me, on the same journey, the journey to love. The little girl in me offers a big high five to the little girl in you...yes you did it! Blessed be~