guilt and forgiveness and that cave of mine...

funny how things twine together...
her bein' on my mind...
a hard conversation last nite that hangs in my mind...
listening to josh's song on suicide...

all came together to make my stomach sick, and the tears
flood out of me this afternoon.

as josh's music thumps thru my heart and i listen to his
lyrics and hear his voice sing things like 'tell me how to
rescue you...tell me what i can do...' my stomach is
turnin'...and then when i hear him say more than sing....
'seems like folks should pay more attention sometimes.'
i can't take it anymore and i walk out of my studio into
my yard.

i find myself hitting one of my hands with my fist. hard.
over and over. hard.

'if only's' run thru my body like zaps of electricity.

i've broken down with guilt more than once.
bob has told me over and over 'i was there, ter, i saw you.
you held her hands, you looked in her eyes, you told her you
were there. i saw it. you did it. you told her.'

over and over he's told me.

thing is...
i left it up to her.
i left it up to her to come to me if she needed me.
i thought it was the right thing to do.
i thought i scared her and that if she came to me it'd be
better.

and three different times when i could have been there...
when i could have checked in, i didn't.

three different times.

all times when i was fallin' apart myself.

once when i felt like my family was stabbing me in the
heart, once when my father was dying, and once when i
was in some pretty big grief.

i couldn't reach out.
it was all i could do to stand up.

i know that.

and at moments i have compassion for that.
but truth is, i don't buy it.

i coulda.
and i soooo shoulda.

this isn't a pity blog. and please don't write and offer
compassion. i appreciate it, but i'm not looking for it.

i'm putting it out here for several reasons.

i'm thinking the guilt needs to go in that cave i keep
talkin' about.
i don't know if i can do that. but i'm thinking it does.
i'm not sure i can do that.....
but i'm gonna give it some real good thought and effort.
everything is sposed to go in that cave.
everything.

i kick myself a lot.
people write and tell me how bone sighs helped them, how i
helped them....and i think of her...and i kick myself.

i know that's not right.
i know i can't change anything.
but i can move forward.
i can take this and do something with it.
i've already tried.
but i want to do more...
i want to see something from this.

i think of myself as intuitive....but my gosh,
how could i miss all that i did???

because i was so caught up in me.

yeah, i know.....my dad was dying, my family was really
hurting me, i had some major grief. i know that.
all reasons to be caught up in me. to a point.
to a point.

so one of the reasons for this post...
to remind me,
to remind you......don't get that caught up.
ya know?
don't get THAT caught up in you.

and another reason....to remind me,
to remind you...
forgive yourself.
forgive myself.
she couldn't forgive herself.
and if i can't forgive myself,
how on earth does that honor her at all?

i don't know how to. but i'm gonna try.
cause it matters.
and i thought if i put that out there as honestly as i could,
maybe someone else could hear it for themselves........

maybe that will be glistening in the cave when i'm all done...
a gorgeous shimmering chunk of forgiveness.

maybe.
if i can ever put the guilt down in there...