Monday, September 27, 2010

inner stuff

there's something i've been thinking about for days.
but i just don't know how to put it into words so
that it comes out exciting instead of pathetic!

but what the heck...gonna try anyway.
remember.....this is exciting....NOT pathetic.

it was sparked by some show i was watchin'.
in some scene, the guy's dad dies and he goes
off to 'handle it.'

that was it.

i watched it and yeah, as i watched, i thought of
my own dad and my own goin' off to do what i had
to do. my own 'handling it.'

well, when i got into bed that nite, i lay down
in the dark, all snuggled in's
the part i don't know how to explain...

it wasn't like my inner child part came out.
it wasn't like that.
it wasn't like there was a PART of me that was
a child.
it was like ALL of me.
except maybe for this tiny part that was watchin'.

it was like i was a kid.
i could just totally feel it.
and this kid just wasn't believin' that her dad
was really gone. 'he can't be, he's my dad. he can't

that kinda feelin'.

there were a couple really cool 'in the moment' things here.

one, i recognized it immediately and was totally surprised,
but opened to it.

and wasn't a negative thing.
it wasn't a poor me, kinda thing.
it was different.

and that kid lay there and thought about how he really was
her hero.

and the part of me that was allowing this watched.
i wasn't doin' the adult thing i had been doin' all along
of seein' him as a guy with some stuff in his own life that
affected how he was and blah blah blah explainin' it all
to myself so it didn't hurt so bad.

i just remembered my hero.
and i cried and said he couldn't really be gone.

logic left.
and the love of a child entered.

the love of a child.

and the love of a child blew the doors off all the explanations
and mature thinking and understanding.

and i knew i needed this.

it's been almost four years. i had to stop and figure out
how long it's been. and the way i mark it is by a loss the
following year. how weird is that? i don't even know the year,
but i count back to another tragedy and add a year.

wow, look at that....i typed 'another tragedy.'
yeah, losin' my dad without ever having 'fixed it' feels like
a tragedy.

almost four years.
it took that long for this part of me to really be seen.
it took that long for me to stop taking care of everyone else,
for me to stop wandering around in the mid-life darkness,
for me to stop tryin' to explain it all into something okay.

and it felt so good.
just to feel what i honestly felt at some level.
i'm not done with this.
gonna walk and be with that little girl.
and i'm excited about this.

i think because it shows me just how much there is inside us.
and how time doesn't really matter.
it stays in there and waits for us.

and it hands me some stuff that i cherish.
the ability to remember and feel what a hero he was to me.
even after all the hurt is said and done.
that is still there.

and i think that's really really cool.

love is one heck of a strong thing.
sometimes i like that.
sometimes i don't.
mostly i do tho.....

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