Thursday, September 23, 2010

it's all good...maybe

in my quieter, much calmer place, i sit and think
of something that happened the other nite.

i woke up in the middle of the nite thinking.
sometimes my dreams will do that to me, they'll
stir me up, i roll over and jostle myself enough
to start thinking...and then i'm awake thinking
and thinking.

usually those thoughts don't get me anywhere good.
they're the middle of the nite thoughts that drag
me all around. and then in the morning, i discard
them all anyway, so it's like they're there just
to take me for a ride.

something different happened the other nite.
oh, they took me for a ride.
but somewhere in that ride an insight came.

an insight came to me about my inner workings,
things that were limiting me, and why.

i'm not even sure how to put it out here. and that's
not the point in this blog...altho, i'm sure it will
tumble out sooner or later.

the point to this blog is the layers inside us.

i saw some deep stuff.
stuff i hadn't recognized before.
stuff i needed to work with.
stuff i don't know how to work with.
stuff that i know will bring me further down the road
i want to go if i face it.

but what impressed me so much was that as i get stronger
and grow, the stuff to face doesn't stop. it just gets

i think what impressed me so much about the other nite
was two things...

i'm an unending source of stuff to face.

and this time when i felt that, it didn't so much worry
me or scare me or discourage amazed me that i've
gotten to this deep of a place. i see that this will never
stop, and there's a depth that i can't even imagine. and
if i'm lucky, i'll keep headin' into it. if i'm lucky, it
will all keep swirling. cause it's in that swirling that
i travel down deeper.

and i think that the way it came up, the way i looked at
it, the way i held it, even tho i have no idea what to do
with all new. different. stronger. like i can
tackle bigger projects inside.

i felt that. don't know why.
was just a feeling.

between those two things, i've been kinda intrigued.

somehow i guess i thought being healthy and strong meant
you faced all your stuff and you were 'good to go.' you
were done facing stuff.

i'm thinking maybe being healthy and strong is way different
than that. i'm thinking it's the willingness to face
this stuff as it comes.

it's not about the stuff.
it's about the reaction to the stuff.

that's kinda big news to me.
i guess i maybe knew that.
but not quite like i do this morning.

and i think of that silly phrase 'it's all good.'

and i smile.......
yeah. maybe. just maybe it is.

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