a new month

not sure how to explain this one.......
not sure i even have it down.

august was quite a month for me.
really glad to see it go.
altho, i figured out some pretty huge stuff
thru it. stuff that should make the rest of the
year a whole lot better.

which brings me into september with this
thought......

i need to be much more aware of my processes.

hop around with me here.....

when i was in my women's group counseling i would
get so frustrated with myself and want to just fix
everything right then.

more than once my counselor placed her hand on my arm
and shook her head.
'terri, terri, terri, it took you 40 years to get to
this place, why do you think you can change it in a week??'

yeah.
okay.
she was right.

and then sooner or later something would shift and something
would change.

but what brought me to where i was in the first place???

the process.

oh yeah, events, people, decisions....of course.
and those are the things i've concentrated on.
not the process.

but here i am again, looking at a buncha good stuff i learned
that i've taken and skewed a bit and kinda got myself into
another place that i want to shift out of.

august showed me that.

august showed me things i've taken and twisted just a tiny
bit...but plenty enough to make them not work for me again.

this morning i woke up thinking about my very last hold out
of a twisty thing. something i was struggling with all the
way to the end of the month here.

i woke up this morning and thought, nah, you got it wrong,ter.
you just got it wrong. you twisted it again.

i've been looking outward when i should be looking within.
i've taken beliefs i have touched and known and made them
into something they weren't.
i've fallen back into old thoughts and patterns without even
knowing it.

somehow....my processes lead me that way.

what do i do with that?
not sure.

kinda watch, i think.

just watch.

and turn back inside.

and create.

i'm gonna make a point of being extra creative this
month. i decided this morning.

i want to stop trying, grasping, and making things happen.

i want to turn inward and create.
and i want to pay attention to my healthy processes....
and my habitual processes that aren't so healthy.

i step into a new month with this on my mind.
sure would be nice to keep this on my mind for more than
a day! we shall see.....