one heck of a rock tumbler!

i learned something that really matters.

i'm not sure how to put it out here. i am so
filled with a thousand different thoughts.

gonna try to be practical and bottom line it.

nah, forget that. i so can't bottom line it.
i gotta ramble.

the cave.
(if you haven't been followin' the cave, and want
to follow this post, scroll down and read the
past cave blogs.)

i've been putting a whole lotta stuff in there.
that's the idea.
and up until yesterday, only one thing's come back
into my hands to hold.

bone sighs.
i already told ya that.

what i didn't realize in any articulate way was
that all the 'strings' of bone sighs stayed in the cave.
strings aren't sparkling gems.
strings are strings.
they're the things that get in the way, and cover
up the gem.

they're things like worrying about finances,
worryin' about how to make it all work.
worry.
frustration.
those things.......
strings.

when bone sighs came to me out of that cave, it
was just the heart of bone sighs.
THAT is the gem.

the other stuff is stuff i need to leave in the cave.
and i felt like i did.

well....something else came to me out of that cave.
sparkling like the diamond it is.

my guy.

yeah.

but without the strings.

there have been a whole lotta strings coverin' up my
guy lately.

and i didn't realize it.

but now i do.

and the cave holds the strings.
i hold my guy.

and thru both these things, i saw how the strings
can keep us from the true beauty.

and now that i think about it.....that loss i mentioned
the other day......the loss to suicide.....
not wanting to put that down in the cave because i felt
like i might lose her for good if i set her down.

what i now understand is, that's how i'll really gain her.

set her down in the cave.

and let the strings fall off to the floor.
those strings of guilt. those strings of ick.

and just find her essence. that will be what i end up
holding.

how do i get so lost in the strings that i forget the gold?
or the diamonds...or the gems....or whatever treasure it is...
how do i get so lost in those strings?

i think there's a million different ways.
there's preoccupation with things that don't matter.
there's hurt and reactions to hurt.
there's just thinking about myself and not anyone else.
there's guilt.
there's confusion, frustration, worry.
there's a million different ways to create strings...

and i think what has happened is my life got covered in them
lately. just covered.

and now, i'm looking at the cave as my gigantic washing machine.
washin' the strings off my gems.

oh! it's like a gigantic rock tumbler!!!!

oh! that's what it feels like today.

and i guess what i wanted to say is this....
the strings don't matter.
but we forget. or at least i do.
and sometimes that's what i'm lookin' 'at.
not at what's under the strings.

and maybe i need to remember.
thought maybe someone else might too........