another tool....

okay, i SWORE to myself i'd go slow on poppin'
all these tidbits from the book i'm reading.

and well...i REALLY wouldn't pop one up today....
EXCEPT that....well....
it feels like a darn tool to me!
it felt SO helpful.

and i wonder if anyone else will feel this way.
and it's only two sentences i want to share..
(from the book scarred by struggle, transformed by hope)

"surrender is the moment in which we decide that
it is time to become someone new. surrender is not
about giving up; it's about moving on."

okay.......this rocked my world last nite.

and i'm not sure how to explain it without putting
all these personal details out. which i don't want
to do! (see?? i REALLY can keep SOME stuff private!)

but here's the gist.....

there's been several hurdles in my life that i struggle
with off and on. sometimes i so 'have' it and am okay
with everything. and then sometimes i so don't and i'm
lost and sad.

but here's the thing...i don't know if i ever in my bones
looked at the situations as 'i've become someone new.'

now.....this is important....
i've SAID THAT out loud.
and thought it in my head.
but don't think i soaked it down deep into my bones.
and these situations bring out who i used to be so easily.

so when those situations come around and tackle me to
the ground, i think they do so when i'm operating
as my 'old self' or at least some of my old self.
when i don't think of myself as someone different.
when i land back in a role or get caught up in someone
else's perceptions of me.

i'm not sure. haven't had enough time to think it thru.
but i am pretty sure. enough to put it out here...

if those situations come around and i know in my bones
that i am not the same....then i think it would all be
different in how i handle it.

okay....i do this to a point.
but i think the real struggling is mixed in with all this.

and i'm not sure i ever actually had a real honest to goodness
deep down 'surrender' moment with this stuff.

i think i've done everything but that.
i think i've done the logical in my head stuff.
i've tried to hear my heart and honor it.
i've tried to act with love.
i've fallen apart.
i've gotten angry.
i've gotten quiet and put up walls.
i've opened up and tried not to need anything.
i've cried.
i've laughed.
i got cynical.
i got philosophical.

but i don't think i ever honest to pete surrendered
and understood that it's about becoming someone new.

and, i don't know, but it's thundering around inside
of me that this matters a whole whole lot.

AND! it's pretty exciting.
cause all this other stuff isn't 'all the way.'
it's trying. it's attempts.
but it's not the real foundation i need to move on.

i'm thinking this is a pretty cool thought.....
and i'm rollin' it all around.
wanted to share.....