sculpting faces

the other day, i was knocked flat once again by that
darn 'what's it all about' question. man, that thing
will just hit me hard and leave me feelin' lost.

and then there's days like today...
when i haven't a clue what it's all about,
don't care that i don't know...
and really enjoy something that i do see....
that as we become more of who we are, it shows!

how do those things relate?
i'm not sure.
i think it gives me hope and encourages me that even
tho i don't know what it's all about, i do know that
if i keep goin' in a good direction, i can actually
see it in myself.

here's the weird thought process....

something this morning reminded me of a couple i used
to know. i thought about them. not my kinda couple.
and as i remembered them, i thought 'and THEY'RE still
married.'

the way that worked in my head was it seemed like they
wouldn't make it marraige-wise and my husband and i would.
like i shouldn't have been the one to 'mess up' and get
divorced while they didn't.

i stopped myself there.
right there.

like why is it i see my divorce as my 'messing up'???

like why don't i see it as my growing and actually doing
what i had to do to not only save myself, but to grow
myself, to become more???

yeah, terri.

why don't you look at it that way???

well.......i do. i really do.
but apparently not way down deep as i could tell from
my unedited thoughts about this couple.

hmmm...something to note.

i looked at that couple now.
i looked at me now.

okay, i'm good. i wanna be me in the choices.

they definitely had grown more into who they were wanting
to be....and it definitely showed.
and it wasn't a choice i'd want to make.

then later, another old friend came to mind for yet
another reason.

she's turned really really conservative and bitter.

wow.
how weird is that, i wondered.
what made her that way?

and i thought back...well....that stuff was in there....
but not as much as now. and i know some of her hurts in
life have brought her here. i could just feel that.
made me sad for her.

we really do seem to grow more into stuff we dwell on.

i thought of my own self.
when i look back, i see so much of myself the same...
and so much different.
but the heart, that's the same.
and i'm growin' more and more into it.

i thought of that line you hear over and over in the movie,
'the secret' - 'thoughts become things.'

thoughts become us too.
we become our thoughts.
and it shows on our faces, in our actions, in our lives.

it so so so shows.

and i like that.
i really do.

cause you can kinda actually see what the heck it is you're
doin'.

and maybe that's how it relates backwards to where i started here.
i can't figure out what life is about...i don't have anything
to hold there. just a few theories that i can't grab.
but i can grab people's faces. their eyes, their selves.
i can see their outsides...and i can see what's making a difference
to them. and i can see what looks good to me and what doesn't.

and i like that.
i really really like that.

so. what the heck am i doin' to sculpt a face that has love
written on it? that's what i wanna concentrate on...
sculpting a love face.