teacher/student

a memory came in last nite.
one of those really hard memories to hold.

i held it and thought of her.
i wanted to hold her.
and take care of her.

i know she wants that in her own way.
i haven't been able to do it her way.

her way involves not seein' me.

i've needed to be seen the past ten years.
it's been part of my healing, part of
my recovery.

i'm wondering now tho,
if it doesn't really matter any more.

all that matters is i love in a way that feels
healthy to me. and i don't need any more than that.

i don't know.
i think it's a temporary lapse of truth.

it really doesn't matter. that other stuff.
it doesn't matter. what matters is my being love.
all around.

thing is, i think i'm only temporarily okay
with that.

i don't know.

but it's making sense to me that it doesn't
matter anymore.

it's making sense to me that this is where i
want to be.

and it's making sense that it will come in waves.

sometimes i'll slip and think i need to be seen.

and yeah, i need to be seen.
but not by everyone in the world.
and not by them anymore.

and i'll remember and get up and try again.

and in this, she is my teacher.
and this morning, i feel like a very open student.