Saturday, November 20, 2010

lighting a candle

sometimes life stuns me.

last nite in trying to honor the memory of someone i lost
to suicide, i heard from someone who is suicidal.

i'm not even sure if she's alive today or not.
the tears flow as i type that.

i hung a star in my window last nite.
it's glass and it holds a candle.
my intention was to light it and remember the young
woman who died three years ago.

i couldn't light it last nite. after the note i read,
i knew i'd completely fall apart.
if i was alone, i'd be okay with that.
but the guys were here, and i didn't want to do that
to them. they had been thru enough.

this morning as i thought about it all, i thought
that this was something i needed to know. something i
hadn't held yet.

with my loss, i have kicked and blamed myself for
not knowing, not communicating more, not being there
to help her. always thinking that i could have made
some sort of difference. sure that i could have touched
her in some way.

with this note i got last nite, i see that that may not
be the case. even if you tell someone all the things
you think you should tell them, even if you say all
the things you think matter and can change things...
it's not yours.

it's not yours.

it's theirs.
ultimately it's theirs.

and today, i'm trying hard to just hold that.

i am going to light the candle tonite.
i am going to gather everything inside of me and light
that candle. i'm going to ask bob to help me do that.

i will be holding the one i lost and the one i pray we
haven't lost in my heart as i do.

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