Friday, November 19, 2010

lighting up the darkness tonite.

it's been on my mind all month.
last nite as i made dinner, i thought of things
to do tonite to ease the nite.
and this morning, it was the very first thing i thought of
as i opened my eyes.

as i walked and looked at the day, i thought of her.

scenes from the days after her death are locked inside of me
and just come blaring thru with a will of their own.

as i walked one of those scenes took over my eyes.

i remembered being gathered in their living room, everyone
stunned and trying to grasp what had happened as we each read
her goodbye note. trying to make some sort of sense out of it all.

after she wrote the main body of her note, she added extra thoughts
around the edges. the writing got smaller and smaller. even if you
had young eyes, you needed a magnifying glass to read it. i wondered
how on earth she could write that tiny.

i remembered holding the paper. reading the note. trying to hold on
and be strong for those around me when the whole world seemed to
be spinning.

this young girl and her pain pulled out of every deep dark crevice
my own pain. pushing that down and trying to focus, i watched those
around me. and i learned more than i ever wanted to know.

three years later i want to do something to honor her today.
i asked the guys if they'd be around tonite. and thankfully, they
all are. i asked them if they'd be okay about hanging christmas lights
tonite. 'we don't have to light them up yet, but we could hang them,
try them out briefly, light up the dark with them, then turn them on
after thanksgiving.'

openly and with such love, they all agreed.
they knew what i was doing. and they wanted to be part of it.

'maybe we could make stars with the lights' i suggested.

stars are such a big theme with me this year. and well, it seems
really really fitting.

and to light up the darkness briefly tonite...well, that feels so
darn right.

and to have my sons next to me...well, that just feels holy.


Pamela Jones said...

Will light a candle here tonight and look up at the stars and stand with you in your rembering.

Merry ME said...

Jack and I going to here the Jax Symphony and Concert Choir tonight. As I listen to Brahm's Requiem, I'm send up my silent prayer for all of you.

Peggi said...

No words here.....just all the love and the biggest virtual hug I can send. Someday I hope we can meet and I can give you all that have accumulated in person!

Anonymous said...

Tonite is my closing nite for "The Sound of Music."
I'm dedicating this one which will be videotaped to
her. I'm not a star, but for her, tonite, I'll be drawing on my star roots to give the best performance possible. (((((hugs)))))
Being with your fam IS holy!!

Coleen said...

oh terri!!!....just when we think we are doing ok, grief just comes slamming back into our soul..I do not think there is a way around it....I think the way you have chosen to honor her this evening is just perfect...and I know she feels your love and it makes her soul shine even more heals all the dark places...know that many will join you in honoring her sweet life...
Heart Hugs,

AkasaWolfSong said...

I too will light a candle tonight to and offer up my prayers...

Know that I stand with you and your beloved family Star Woman...


Grace said...

oh dear. I don't know who 'she' is, but I'm guessing a daughter and that she died too young. A parent should never outlive their children, in my universe. especially like this.

I now have a deeper understanding of where the depth and breathe of your spirit and compassion came from.

Thank you for the lights that you shine both of your own and of those you love so much.