lighting up the darkness tonite.

it's been on my mind all month.
last nite as i made dinner, i thought of things
to do tonite to ease the nite.
and this morning, it was the very first thing i thought of
as i opened my eyes.

as i walked and looked at the day, i thought of her.

scenes from the days after her death are locked inside of me
and just come blaring thru with a will of their own.

as i walked one of those scenes took over my eyes.

i remembered being gathered in their living room, everyone
stunned and trying to grasp what had happened as we each read
her goodbye note. trying to make some sort of sense out of it all.

after she wrote the main body of her note, she added extra thoughts
around the edges. the writing got smaller and smaller. even if you
had young eyes, you needed a magnifying glass to read it. i wondered
how on earth she could write that tiny.

i remembered holding the paper. reading the note. trying to hold on
and be strong for those around me when the whole world seemed to
be spinning.

this young girl and her pain pulled out of every deep dark crevice
my own pain. pushing that down and trying to focus, i watched those
around me. and i learned more than i ever wanted to know.

three years later i want to do something to honor her today.
i asked the guys if they'd be around tonite. and thankfully, they
all are. i asked them if they'd be okay about hanging christmas lights
tonite. 'we don't have to light them up yet, but we could hang them,
try them out briefly, light up the dark with them, then turn them on
after thanksgiving.'

openly and with such love, they all agreed.
they knew what i was doing. and they wanted to be part of it.

'maybe we could make stars with the lights' i suggested.

stars are such a big theme with me this year. and well, it seems
really really fitting.

and to light up the darkness briefly tonite...well, that feels so
darn right.

and to have my sons next to me...well, that just feels holy.