an ornament...

the tree was up with lights on.
it was time for ornaments.

i ran down to my studio to grab her package.
she had sent me some goodies, wrapped for
christmas.

the idea was both incredibly loving and incredibly
sad to me.

the fact that she sent me anything was incredibly loving.
i'm pretty sure she's doin' the major budgeting thing too.
and we've never met. she certainly didn't 'have' to send
a thing.

the fact that she sent them early made my stomach wobble
inside. made me sad. she wasn't sure if she'd be here for christmas.
she's the one i've been mentioning who's been in the darkest
of dark. not sure if she'd make it out.

there were several things, and i had told her that i would
put them under my tree. that i wasn't going to open them early.
that i figured that was symbolic and so there would be no early
opening on this end.

she suggested one tho. one i needed to open.
understanding it was an ornament, i agreed.

as i brought the package up to my couch, i felt a sense of
something i don't even know how to describe wash all over me.
seriousness. respect for life. understanding that we can't
take it for granted. reverence for connections. that kinda thing.

something kinda came over the room, because it got quieter
and the guys stopped what they were doing to look.

i smiled when i opened the lid of the box and whispered
'a star...'

she had sent me a star ornament made of seashells and beads.

the tears came to my eyes as i held it up for the guys to see.

it was the first ornament i hung on the tree.

and if she walked into my house, and looked for it on the tree,
i don't think she'd be thrilled (at first) of where i put it.
but i would explain to her that i sit over here. on the couch
here. and i look at the tree as i sit. and mostly, my gaze
will fall right here. and that's where i hung it. right where
i'll see it every time i sit and look at the tree. it's near
the window too. on purpose. cause i wanted light to shine thru
it during the day. and a christmas tree light to shine thru it
at nite. there would be light shining thru it all the time.
and if you lifted your eyes just a little bit, hanging from
the ceiling is the star i bought last week. it holds a candle
that i lit it for her and the one i lost. the stars are near
each other.

last nite as i sat and looked at the tree, i looked at the star,
and i remembered that each one of us has stars inside us.

if only we'll open our eyes to see.

and i held a prayer inside me.