thump

i have been doin' so darn good with my newest awareness thing...
about valuing the process more than the goal.

really good.
really really darn good.

excitingly, thrillingly good.

and then...
um...
THUMP.

i fell flat.
THUMP. BLOP. i fell flat.
just plain ol' flat on my back.

i asked for help with it, and he was right there,
so patient and kind.
and it's really really wonderful having someone there listening
and trying to help and nudge and remind.

but ya know what?

it is completely up to me.
whether someone's there or not.

and i honestly honestly think that it's something i so
want to incorporate into my life.

i think we could sum it up by saying 'live in the now.'

i always hated that phrase.
cause i could never do it.
it's an eye roller for me.
yeah. right.

but when i rephrased it and got this 'value the process more
than the goal' thing....it so clicked.

until...
SPLAT.

the fall.

but then again...the fall is the process, isn't it??
don't want to twist the whole thing up and not value the process
of trying to value the process.

which is what i'm doing.

i have a really talented, tricky way of taking great things and
twisting them into exactly what they were sposed to be getting
away from in the first place.

how DO i do that???
ahhhhh........the process.
the ever loving process.

so here i sit.
on the floor.
at least i'm not flat on my back.
feelin' like i'm about ready to stand up and step back in.
almost.
soon.
think i need to sit here for a little bit tho.

and i thought the fall was good to share.
because...it's gonna happen.
it's just the way it goes.

and the question for me this morning is...
who do i want to be in that fall?
how do i want to treat myself?

because the fall is the now.

jeesh,this is funky stuff for me to grasp....