a mish mash

a jumble of thoughts this morning that don't really
seem to go together, and yet, somehow it feels like they do.

i was thinking of our celebrating her 50th yesterday.
the three of us. the coffee buddies. there we sat honoring
her 50th. my other friend had turned 50 a few months ago,
and i'll be headin' that way next spring.

'have you guys really thought about this??' i asked.
'i mean SERIOUSLY has this 50 stuff gotten to you??'
i threw in some drama in my voice and eyes and hands
to kinda make the point.

they were pretty calm about it.
'well, it makes no sense to me. i mean SERIOUSLY how
did this happen???' i went on. and on.

we talked of how we felt inside. what age. they were in
their twenties on the inside. i sheepishly admitted to
feelin seven.

this morning i had a vulnerable conversation with my guy.
he does excel in making a safe place for vulnerabilities.
but vulnerabilities are....well.....um......vulnerable.

vulnerable was lingering inside of me after i hung up.

later, i stood brushing my hair in front of the mirror in
my dimly lit room. i looked at the jeans, and the button
down guy's shirt and for a moment, in the dim light, i saw
myself as a teen. my dressing habits haven't changed much.
my favorite is still baggy comfortable. i stopped when i saw
the teen standing there. i'm kinda thinking the vulnerable
mood had something to do with me seeing her. the dim light
of course, helped. but i think the vulnerable was a significant
factor. i saw her. stopped and stared. and then after a few
moments, she was gone.

'you don't have to worry about growing old,' my friend had
said to me yesterday. 'you have the youngest spirit of anyone
i have ever met.'

we looked around at all the goofy birthday stuff i had brought
along and we laughed.

walking i thought of being vulnerable. i thought of young and old.
i thought of aging and living.
somehow...and don't ask me how...i'm thinking that being vulnerable
ties into being young. (by 'young' i'm thinking i really mean
'alive and really living') maybe cause it's being open.

i tried to figure out vulnerability. is everyone vulnerable
about the same stuff?
does mine always boil down to i'm unsure if i'm really worth
loving?

i wasn't sure. it feels like it without really thinking it
thru. i came inside and looked up the definition....
'capable of being wounded or hurt.'

and i guess where i feel that is with my value. my worthiness.
does everyone?

i had told my fella there i had something inside me to work on.
and that i would.

it's always gonna be that way, isn't it? i pondered.
and it doesn't matter how old you get.
it's always gonna be that way.
always something to work on...
and the way that i really want to stay young is the open
way. i think i'm okay with the other stuff. mostly.
but the staying open....i don't want to lose that.
cause to me, that's really living.
i think maybe when i think 'old' i think not really living
anymore.

and i thought of actively working on walking into the
vulnerabilities.
instead of hiding from them and avoiding them.
actively sitting with them. talking about them.
opening to them.

i sighed.
why do i always think of these things?
it kinda tires me and excites me at the same time.
but i think i'll try....