Monday, November 29, 2010

a mish mash

a jumble of thoughts this morning that don't really
seem to go together, and yet, somehow it feels like they do.

i was thinking of our celebrating her 50th yesterday.
the three of us. the coffee buddies. there we sat honoring
her 50th. my other friend had turned 50 a few months ago,
and i'll be headin' that way next spring.

'have you guys really thought about this??' i asked.
'i mean SERIOUSLY has this 50 stuff gotten to you??'
i threw in some drama in my voice and eyes and hands
to kinda make the point.

they were pretty calm about it.
'well, it makes no sense to me. i mean SERIOUSLY how
did this happen???' i went on. and on.

we talked of how we felt inside. what age. they were in
their twenties on the inside. i sheepishly admitted to
feelin seven.

this morning i had a vulnerable conversation with my guy.
he does excel in making a safe place for vulnerabilities.
but vulnerabilities

vulnerable was lingering inside of me after i hung up.

later, i stood brushing my hair in front of the mirror in
my dimly lit room. i looked at the jeans, and the button
down guy's shirt and for a moment, in the dim light, i saw
myself as a teen. my dressing habits haven't changed much.
my favorite is still baggy comfortable. i stopped when i saw
the teen standing there. i'm kinda thinking the vulnerable
mood had something to do with me seeing her. the dim light
of course, helped. but i think the vulnerable was a significant
factor. i saw her. stopped and stared. and then after a few
moments, she was gone.

'you don't have to worry about growing old,' my friend had
said to me yesterday. 'you have the youngest spirit of anyone
i have ever met.'

we looked around at all the goofy birthday stuff i had brought
along and we laughed.

walking i thought of being vulnerable. i thought of young and old.
i thought of aging and living.
somehow...and don't ask me how...i'm thinking that being vulnerable
ties into being young. (by 'young' i'm thinking i really mean
'alive and really living') maybe cause it's being open.

i tried to figure out vulnerability. is everyone vulnerable
about the same stuff?
does mine always boil down to i'm unsure if i'm really worth

i wasn't sure. it feels like it without really thinking it
thru. i came inside and looked up the definition....
'capable of being wounded or hurt.'

and i guess where i feel that is with my value. my worthiness.
does everyone?

i had told my fella there i had something inside me to work on.
and that i would.

it's always gonna be that way, isn't it? i pondered.
and it doesn't matter how old you get.
it's always gonna be that way.
always something to work on...
and the way that i really want to stay young is the open
way. i think i'm okay with the other stuff. mostly.
but the staying open....i don't want to lose that.
cause to me, that's really living.
i think maybe when i think 'old' i think not really living

and i thought of actively working on walking into the
instead of hiding from them and avoiding them.
actively sitting with them. talking about them.
opening to them.

i sighed.
why do i always think of these things?
it kinda tires me and excites me at the same time.
but i think i'll try....

1 comment:

Wild Roaming One (WRO) said...

terri, I'm 44 @ xmas, so maybe I don't know your perpective yet...

but last yr, I thought I was 44 when really, I had only just turned 43. So, I don't feel my age to the point of not remembering, but that doesn't say I don't feel "old"...I don't contribute my life or experiences to any age. *shrug* Now my mom (63) is young at heart and just the other day she was saying that when she had my sister & I, single parentingin her 20's, she didn't feel the weight of the world, her youthful invincibility kept her going. Now that's food for thought for me, she has her invincibility attitude, some have their youthful attitidue...I dunno what I got, but I do know that my heart has an age all of it's own. right now it feels like it's ticking sluggishly through this crap...other days, it climbs the slide of Life...

There's my mish-mash, joined with yours. You matter, no matter what age.

WRO xo