soft leaves

once, years ago, my heart hurt so much i didn't know what
to do.
the pain was so strong, and so big i just had to do something.
and so i did a visual where i took my heart and actually put
it on the table and tended to it. put some medicine on it,
and cared for it. and then figured out what would be medicine
in 'real life' and gave it that until it felt stronger.
interestingly enough, that medicine was surrounding myself
with the strength and compassion of my women friends.
which is what i did.

as i walked on the treadmill this morning, i thought of
my heart. it's been different lately.
with everything....the good stuff, the hard stuff, the
sad stuff....it's been different.
the reactions i have are different, they don't feel familiar to me.

and i've been different with it all. allowing it more often
to just 'be.' listening more. and watching more.

i think my heart and i are changing.
i think my heart and i are growing.
and right now, my heart seemed to need some tending to.

as i did the treadmill thing, i thought of the leaves
i was gonna rake when i was done.

i could use them as medicine....vitamins.

and as i walked out my studio door, i actually said to my
heart 'c'mon, let's go get you some vitamins.'

ya see, trees to me are just so many good deep things.
they're wisdom, and understanding, patience and strength.
they're peace and they're quiet, and steady and full of
an energy that can't be put into words.

i was going to lay my heart in a pile of their leaves.
and i was gonna cover it in their warmth and wisdom.

and so i did.

i raked up a little pile, and stopped and closed my eyes
and pictured laying it there.
and then i covered it with leaves.
i raked and covered.
raked up a few sticks, a seed pod thing, and even some
little bits of moss....
ohhhh yes........
cover my heart with those.

as my arms went back and forth with the rake i could
feel the leaves just resting on my heart...
filling it....
comforting it...
caring for it....
accepting it and loving it.

i pictured the little bits of moss stuck to it along
with the leaves, and i smiled.

raking had never been so wonderful.
i wasn't raking leaves....
i was feeding my heart.

when i was all done, i stood over the pile and closed
my eyes.
i felt my heart in there.
warm and cozy and soakin' up the energy that was all
around it.

gently picking it up, i slipped it back in me.
leave bits, moss bits, seed pod bits...the whole sticky
mess.

i'm gonna hold it all today.
the energy of the trees.

i thought of a hard conversation i had yesterday when
she just bluntly put something out there that was so hard
to hold. she doesn't mean any harm. she just doesn't know
how to put extra words around things to soften them.
and this thing could use some softening.

i closed my eyes and felt the feelings from that.
and felt the leaves and moss...and my heart beating
with them.

i closed my eyes and thought of the hard.
the sad.

it all just is.

and i smiled. now, i thought, what will be medicine
for my heart here in 'real life?'

i slipped on my softest sweatshirt and knew this time
the medicine was just being quiet with my heart.
just being soft. and just feeling the leaves and moss
for awhile...