this whirling dance...

i've been doin' a lot of thinking.

a lot.

first came the thought that was so exciting to me
it made me tremble.

i've been holding it in my hands, turning it over,
putting it in the light in different angles, and
just generally checking it out.

i like it every way i look at it.

i blogged about it recently....
it's bottom line is this:

value the process more than the goal.

it occurred to me today that whenever i get something
big and new to grow with, i get a challenge to go right
along with it.

and this was no exception.

the insight felt huge to me.
the challenge that came along felt equally as huge.

exactly the same time i was grieving the anniversary
of a deep loss due to suicide,
i got a note from someone suicidal.

i also blogged about this.
and yes, thankfully, the woman who wrote the note is still here.
and i say that with deep gratitude.
i don't take that lightly at all.

in fact, i take it so seriously, i have been thinking about
this all week.

it's a dance inside me that feels so gigantic that it feels
beyond me. and yet, i want to try to at least stay on the
dance floor.

it goes something like this......
back and forth around and around like this..

life is worth fighting for.
i want to do all i can to help someone find their way out
of the darkness.
she matters.
it's not my decision to make.
who am i to tell someone to live?
i cannot even begin to understand her pain.
all i can do is tell her the things in my heart.
people have to make their own decisions.
can i give her something to hold on to?
how do i value the process and not the goal?
isn't the goal to live?
i have no right to make that the goal.
which brings me back to the process.
the process is such pain for her.
how do i value that?
what is the honest and loving thing to do?
what is the process?
her process?
my process?
the process we share together...all of us?
what exactly is the process???

i listened to a song today.
to me it was a prayer to love.
it moved my spirit so deeply, i listened to it over
and over again.

my soul moved inside of me.
and i remembered who i was.
who i was way down deep.

maybe that's the process.
working on remembering who we are.
and over and over honoring that.
over and over again.

that's the process.

remembering.
over and over and over....remembering.
and honoring.
and trying it again.

that so matters.
and we all have to do it for ourselves.
otherwise it's not a process.
we can remind each other.
we can be mirrors for each other.
but we have to do it for ourselves.
we have to experience our own process.

ohmygosh.
my mind whirls and tries to stay on the dance floor.

and i bow down with gratitude to this dance.
the deeper i go, the more incredible it seems....