finding christmas over and over again...

thank goodness for internet shopping.

i did it.
i went in search of the perfect present for
my elderly neighbor who i'll be spending christmas
with. (see post below)

i always give her a stupid present cause what on
earth do you give someone who's in her 80's and
tryin' to clear out her stuff??

i usually go food or something that won't hang
around too much....

i've never given anything that felt really right
to me. but it's something. and she knows i'm thinking
of her, and so i slide right on by with that.

and this year i've already decided to cut back on
gifts. finances have forced a wide scale-back. i've
sworn off buying another thing.

so there i was......internet shopping.

and for the first time EVER i feel like i'm getting
her something that she'll treasure. and i winced as
i bought it. it's hardly a million dollars. but i
still winced.

people say i'm generous. and i have to shake my head.
cause sometimes i find it really hard to give. sometimes
i wince and hesitate and then i do it. but there's
that wincing and hesitation that i think a truly generous
person would not do. but i usually have a tug that comes
from the act of trying. one day i'd like the tug to be gone.

but the tug is gone now. or it's wearing off anyway...
and i keep thinking of how i'm gonna save it for when it's
just her and i. and how i'm gonna get on my knees and give
it to her.

she sits in her chair and has a hard time moving her head
to look at you. so sometimes i kneel in front of her and
stay there talking to her. or i'll sit smack on the floor
in front of her. but kneeling helps bring me up to eye level
for her.

i'll kneel in front of her, tell her that her caring for
me as much as she does has affected me deeply, and i'll
hand her this present i just got.

there won't be any wincing then.

it's a necklace that has the words 'soul friends' on it.
and i think it's gonna be the best gift i give this year.

i'm gonna tell her i love her and she matters to me.
and yeah, i'll prolly tear up.

and to think yesterday i was blue cause i couldn't script
the day out like i wanted....

and who knows....maybe this script will get tangled and messy
too.....but my heart's there now.

and i found christmas again.
and it feels really right.