it's up to me....

there is a point to this post.
i figure if i put it up here first, it won't be missed.
it's NOT 'oh bummer, terri, needs some support.'

it IS 'these are the holidays and let's live them the best
that we can, because it's a gift. even when it feels funky,
it's a gift.'

because i have the most amazing sons in the whole world
(and yeah, that's a fact) and a pretty darn awesome guy
in my life, it is assumed that my holidays are filled with
love and joy.

well, they are.
and they're also filled with disappointment and loneliness.
they are incredibly mixed.

i'm kinda wondering if that's not the case with EVERYONE in
some sense.

putting aside my sadness that i carry about my extended
family that surfaces every holiday, there's something else
that brought out the blues for me.

yesterday i found out for sure that i'd be on my own for
christmas. alone. i knew it was coming, but was waiting for the
final word. i got it, and i tried to be a big girl about it.

but then when i was all by myself, i gotta say, a few tears
rolled down my face. okay, more than a few.

now.
this is hardly the first christmas this has happened.
and it won't be the last. and as the tears ran down my face,
i felt their warmth and let them fall.

cause i knew i had to do that.
i had to cry.
it's what i do.
and i wanted to honor the disappointment.

and then i picked up the phone, called my elderly neighbor
and asked her what she was doin' christmas day.

also on her own, she loved the offer of hanging out and
watchin' movies. i asked her if her thanksgiving buddy was
planning on hanging with her as i didn't want to interrupt.

she told me she wasn't and that was a good thing because it
can get to be too much for her.

i expressed concern that i didn't want her to feel that
way if i came down...and she said 'oh no, it's different.
i'm not close with her like i am with you.'

as we ended the conversation later, she teased me and then
laughed and said 'isn't it great we can tease each other
and know it's all in fun?' and she sounded so delighted.

as i went thru the evening, i kept thinking of the shifts
inside of me. of how i'm starting to look at life differently.
this would have to be included, i told myself.

this is life. it's messy, it's not what you'd script out,
and how you live it is up to you. what you find in it is up
to you, what you do with it is up to you.

this morning the first thing that ran thru my head was her
voice saying she was close to me. she's 82 or 83...i can't
even remember...and she feels close to me. this sorta amazes
me, and yet, when i think of some of the stuff we've been thru
together, it makes sense.

we've done this before. in fact, it's getting to be a tradition.
and you know what? it's gonna be really nice. really loving.
and really special. i'm always talkin' about how important my
women friends are to me. how about my elderly woman friend?

no, it's not what i woulda scripted out for myself.

but here's the thing...you can't script life.
and maybe that's a wonderful thing.
cause if i coulda, i woulda missed a whole whole lot.

and if i know that, and i really do know that...
then it's up to me to take what comes and do all that i can
with it and to know that this is life and it's mine and
it's a gift.

i've done the sad stuff, and yeah, it'll come back here
and there....but i'm gonna concentrate on my neighbor and
i'm gonna try to think of a really extra special thing i
can give her for a gift. something to really make her
feel loved.

i'm gonna think of some special food i can offer that day.

and i'm gonna make that day beautiful.
cause it's up to me.
and it's the holidays and i think holidays are beautiful.