a time whoosh

man, did i get spun around in some kinda weird
time whoosh thing this morning as i walked.

wow, i got so deeply lost in thought.
and this whole time thing kinda took over and
sloshed me all over the place.

i started out thinking of the year that has just
passed. an end of the year mellow reflective kinda
thing hit.

i tell ya, it's been one heck of a year.
not an easy one by any means.
one of the harder ones for me.
i looked back on the struggles. kinda shook my head
thinking about them all.
and yet, i seriously feel like i learned so much
this year - and finally started to put some of that
learning into practice. i seriously feel like this has
been one of my stronger years of growth.

somewhere along the line as i thought, i told myself
to 'look within.' because i need to do that today.
okay, so i need to do that every day. but i reminded
myself again this morning.

that phrase brought back my mantra i started out with
ten years ago. 'everything i need is inside me.'

ten years???
it's been ten years since i started this journey.

i just about fell over when that really hit.

i've been seriously searchin' and travelin' and tryin'
to grow in a direction i like for ten years.
i looked back, pictured the walk when i figured out
that i wasn't living real, i looked back at so many
of the walks i've taken over those years.

when i started with my mantra 'everything i need is
inside of me' i believed it, but didn't know how to live
it. i kept trying over and over and over to keep looking
within. to stop looking elsewhere. over and over and over
again.

ten years later i'm still reminding myself. but i'm so
much better at it.
you would think........ten years of practice.....you would
hope.

and yet........i still goof up.
of course.

and i guess i've figured out that's the process.
and yeah, i figured out that not EVERYTHING we need is
inside of us. that we need each other.

but i think i've learned a lot about healthy need
and unhealthy need.

what a journey.

this year i almost lost my belief in god.
i almost lost my belief in bone sighs.
i almost lost my belief in bob and i.
i almost lost a lot of stuff.

key word......almost.

maybe sometimes you have to come to the edge of the
cliff to really figure out what matters to you and
what you believe.......

i feel like these past ten years brought me to this year.
and obviously, they have.
but i guess what i feel like is that they all came together
this year and brought me to a place.....this place...

this place where i stand looking at the new year coming up,
and knowing that this is gonna be a better year than i've
ever had - no matter what happens- because of things that
i'm learning. because of who i'm growing into.

it's my 50th year coming up.
part of me just trembles at being that old.
and part of me is excited that i'm headin' into it with
these past ten years inside of me.

it's quite a journey.
and i'm likin' the ride.