Friday, January 14, 2011

my sky blanket

i woke up from a really bad dream.
a really bad one.

i lay there in bed for a few minutes sayin'
out loud 'that was a bad dream. that was a really bad dream.'

top it off with some heavy duty thinking i had done in
the middle of the nite and i gotta say it was a pretty
stinky nite's sleep.

as i made my bed, i cried and i just wanted to crawl onto
a lap somewhere and just be held and have my hair stroked.

since that didnt' seem like too workable a plan, i grabbed
my shoes and went out on a walk. a fast walk.

at first i walked really fast and just kinda tried to run
away from the feeling the dream brought out.
it's one of those feelings i put in my 'worst feelings ever' category.
and i REALLY didn't want to feel it.

but then as i got up to my good-morning-world spot....just about
30 steps before i got there, i realized i needed to stop running
from the feelings, and i needed to hold them. i needed to hold me.

stepping up to my spot, i found a guard rail post to sit on,
and i just sat down and looked at the sky.

the five million commuters driving by on the highway were just
like little ants goin' on their way and i paid them no attention.

the clouds of cold air puffed in and out as i sat there thinking.

i thought of how this wasn't little terri that needed holding.
it was big terri. that my grown up self had been dealt some pretty
good scars too and this time, it was my grown up self that needed
some holding.

when those things that gave me the scars were goin' on, i was so
busy taking care of everyone around me, that i didn't take enough
care of myself. i know that. have tried to go back and deal with
it before. this was just another reminder that i wasn't done, and
i needed some soothing.

i looked at the sky.
it was peach color with these nice purpley stripes in it.
it was this soft striped sky.

'wrap yourself in it,' i heard a voice say to me....
i don't know who said it.
but that never bothers me.

'a sky blanket.' i thought.
'i used to wear stripes all the time.'
and i smiled, got up, and in my mind, i took that blanket of sky
and wrapped it around myself.

i could feel the softness, the warmth of the peach colors,
and the healing of the violets.

bowing my head, shoulders curled in sky sofness, i turned to walk home.

i soaked it in. i felt the peace of the colors and the sky sink into my skin.

i heard a noise as i stepped.
a stone had gotten stuck in my sneaker.
i almost stopped to get it out.
'no! wait!' i thought.....
it's a piece of the earth.
a piece of the earth on my feet.
the sky wrapped around me.
what could be more healing???

the stone stayed.

and that voice was talkin' to me again.

'you've had sadness, girl.'
and right then, like magic...or a movie...
the really sad things in my life kinda went thru my head.
i could see them.
i could feel those moments. could be there again, and feel them.
i held the sky blanket closer.

'and you've had joy, girl.'
and then some really really wonderfully joyful moments came
thru my mind. and i smiled and could see my laughing face as
those things were going on.

'it's life. life has it all, girl.' the voice said so soothingly.
'it's okay to hurt. it's okay to be sad. just remember all the
things life is. remember the all.'

tears slipped down my face.
a tear got stuck in that little well at the bottom of my eye
and top of my cheek. i left it there. it felt good right there.

i felt so much more peaceful walking back home.
i held that woman who was me, who handled the hard stuff and took care of those
around her. i held her, and loved her, and told her i was sorry
it hurt. and i felt the peace of the sky touching the light of
the stars inside me.

i could feel the glow.

as i headed to my door, i wondered if i needed to leave the blanket
outside. 'does that stay outside?' i asked whatever voice i had
been talking to.

'take it in with you. stay wrapped in it as long as you like.
but soon, you'll find someone who also needs it. pass it along then,
but keep a tiny piece in your pocket, close to your heart. and
remember how blessed you are.'

walking in, i felt so much better than when i had walked out.

life is everything, ter.
it's the really really sorrowful.
it's the things you can never change.
and it's everything else too.....
it's everything.
it's the all.

it's the magic and the fire....
and the chaotic and the peaceful...

it's the all.


teri said...

Thank you so much for this, Terri. You've wrapped me in your sky-blanket by sharing this. It is all of it, and it's what we do with it that counts. We keep walking forward, but holding each other's hands, and that's what makes it all blessed. xoxo


Gina said...

all i can say thanks for sharing. xoxo