Saturday, February 26, 2011

and the women gather...

i was driving up to meet them.
and i was thinking of their stories.
things they were dealing with in their own lives.
the themes run the same no matter what the situations.
i figured that out years ago.
people with completely different stories would relate to the bone sighs,
sure that i had the same thing going on in my life that they did.
sometimes it was true.
but mostly it was just the themes matched.

i went thru theme after theme as i drove.
self forgiveness, acceptance, letting go, making peace with,
learning to love - ourselves and our partners, seeing ourselves.

i figured all of those were runnin' thru me now and in a 45 minute
drive, that was enough to mull on.

bob often will make a point of making eye contact and staring straight
into me while he says very seriously 'just think about driving when you
go out today, okay?'

i always agree.
and then the clouds shine bright ahead of me, or the trees wave from
the side of the road and call out 'remember the self forgiveness?' and
off i go....

and so my mind was full of thoughts as i traveled.

and there we sat. four women sharing stories, thoughts and questions.
women are amazing creatures.
and if men could really see all that was packaged in there, they would
be astounded and cherish us all the more.
maybe they can't see it all because part of our dynamic comes alive
when we sit and share with other women.
men can't be present for that.

but we see it.
and the older we get, the clearer we seem to see it.
and the more i can sense the treasuring of all involved.

there was only one emotion i couldn't step into.
i felt myself step sideways.
it touched on some unresolved anger....nah....unresolved rage
that i had. and haven't known what to do with.

one of the women was holding something very similar, only what
i would have to figure is way way deeper and bigger.

i knew if i stepped in there, i'd be opening a can of worms
for myself right now.

and yet, i generally know, that when the worms start stirring,
they'll be out soon. i figure it must be time.
i took note inside myself.
this will be back.
you haven't finished with this yet, ter.

what's interesting to me is it's rage mixed with extreme sorrow.
and for me, when i feel it, i just get so far from any kind of acceptance.
i don't know how to balance it all out.

and then, what kinda amazed me, was the next topic that went around the
table was one of those stories that makes your eyes get wide and you
wonder about all the connections of life. you gotta scratch your head
and wonder about some of the twists that scream there's more going on
here than you can figure out.

how do you mix that in with the things in life that seem so wrong?
i thought that the topics coming back to back was a great thing. it
was a neon sign flashing for me - there's more there than you'll ever
know, ter. even with things that feel so terribly terribly wrong.

i thought a lot about love on the way home.
all kinds.
significant others, friends, kids, ourselves...all kinds.

i could actually FEEL this big cord that attached me to the people
closest in my life. i could feel it. and lately, it feels like it's
just been getting stronger and stronger.

i thought of that as i drove.
there is strength in this path you're on, ter.
there is.
there is muscle building in the thoughts, growth in the pondering,
and all the while, thickening of this cord you feel connecting you
to those you love.

it hasn't been easy lately.
but today, sitting here, reflecting on the conversation of yesterday,
it sure feels like it's all been worth it.

raising my orange juice to women everywhere and this journey that
we're all traveling!

1 comment:

brent said...

We, as women, all seem to be gathering around the Love Tree. Finding our love, within, as the roots deepen and strengthen within each of us like a tree and then grow outwardly and create shade from the fears of the self doubts and the responsibility and weight of our lifes. Thank you for being a frontier to a new way of seeing ourselves, as women!