Sunday, February 27, 2011

the white tree sprout...

it was like it was quiz day yesterday....
pop quiz day.

it was the day for me to take all this stuff i'd
been reading and apply it.

and i am way tickled to say.....i did it!

a big hurdle for me in my good ol' significant other
relationship is to learn how to offer help in the way he needs it,
not the way i need to give it.

that's tangled me up on many occasions.
if it's a girlfriend, i know exactly what to do.
and it goes smoothly.
but if it's my independent, very masculine guy,
it's usually something counterintuitive for me.
and i get tangled. and then my own issues come tumbling in...
they really do. and they cloud things up a lot for me.
and then well, it just doesn't work all that good.

but yesterday i actually sat and thought 'okay,
what is it that would help him here?'

mix in with the complete trying to see who he was and
what he needed, there was no agenda about getting my own thoughts in,
having anyone see anything my way, me wanting anything back....
i was there to help HIM. not who i wanted him to be. not who i
thought he should be. but HIM.

i had JUST finished a great book, 'a book for couples.'
it was totally in my thoughts.

and i kinda stepped back and watched myself as we went along.
only one thing tweaked my buttons. i saw it. said nothing.
then when i had some time to myself, i figured out why.
definitely stuff from the past.

i reminded myself he was present, not past. and that
if i just brought this to him and showed him what was up in me,
he could affirm that everything was okay.

which i did.
and he did.

it was amazingly easy.
i believe in him and trust him.
that helps a lot.

i've been watching, and conversing about and thinking about
relationships a whole ton lately. really really really been
watching and thinking and reading and thinking and thinking
and thinking.

so many of my trip ups are from me not seeing what's really
going on. not seeing things for what they are cause they don't
fit some picture i have inside of me. and then i throw in all
kindsa issue stuff on top of that and well......i trip a lot.

i'm working on putting the pictures down.
i really am.

and this is the big thing.....
i think yesterday doing all this helped me with providing
sunlight for that white tree of mine to grow back.
(that's a few blogs down, and real important to my inner
work right now)

i thought all day about my white tree.
about pushing the ashes off and letting the sun warm the spot.
knowing my significant other is present, not past is like
flooding that spot with sunshine.

and the watching and being present with what was really going
on all day, the watching and understanding of my motives,
the watching and believing in myself all day...
was exactly the kinda stuff i need to be doin' right now.

the pop quiz was really like food for the white tree sprout!
how cool is that?!

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