breakfast with the wind

i'm not real big on showin' myself compassion.
it's not that i don't think that's of major importance.
it's that it's not my natural thing to do - yet.

when i remember, i try to do it.
and sometimes it just happens, and that always delights me.
but i usually have to remember it and concentrate on doing that.

but i have different modes i usually land in......

things like struggling with where i'm at.
or tryin' really hard to shift my energy and focus on
things that will make me feel better.
stuff like that.

the fact that i have major trust issues was in my face
big time yesterday.

sort of like i had a neon sign attached to a stick attached
to my head, and it was hanging down in front of my face.

flash.
trust issues.
flash.
major ones.
flash.

i tried all the usual things when i saw how low my energy
was and how hard it was for me to concentrate and go where
i wanted to go.

i wasn't showing myself compassion.
but something i was doing was thinking 'well, for pete's
sake look at this. OF COURSE YOU DO.'

maybe that is compassion.
or the start of it.
thing is, i was still pushin' for feelin' better.
wanting to fix everything in my life and have a life of
a person who doesn't have major trust issues.

yeah.
good luck with that one, ter.

this morning i just feel compassion for myself.
i'm not even trying. i didn't wake up saying, okay,
today's compassion day.
it's just plain ol' there.

it's not feeling sorry for myself.
because truth is, i think this stuff is gonna get me far.
i really do.
i thought of someone on the edges of my life, who i swear,
more than once i had wished would just fall off the planet.
and i know, deep in my heart, that their presence has grown
me like i could never have believed. and apparently, will
keep on growin' me.

so i don't honestly think i'd change the script or anything.
if you feel that way, i don't think you tend to feel sorry
for yourself. cause you know it's all workin' out okay.

even when it can feel pretty sucky.
you know that's part of the road.

i got that part down pretty good.
it's the just sitting and holding myself that takes some time
for me to get to.
just sitting, holding myself and sayin 'well, missy, you need some
love. and i'm gonna give it to you. real, honest to goodness love
you can see and understand and trust.'

what a cool thing to do for yourself.
and it's windy out.
kinda like the universe is callin' for me.
i'm gonna go sit on my stoop with my breakfast, and love myself
and let the wind hug me.

trust.
i think it's gotta start inside me.
and i think i've been lettin' that slip a bit lately.