focus

something hit me a few weeks back.
not sure if i blogged about it or not as there were
fifty million things hitting me at the time.

the gist was/is this...it's really up to us what we make of
our situations.

yeah. brilliant, huh? like um....nothing new.

thing is....i REALLY saw how my attitude switch changed a ton
of things. just a ton. and i really saw it was up to me.

now....i liked this...but i think i disliked it even more.

it really puts the responsibility on yourself.
and yeah, i see that as a good thing.
and a really tiring thing.
i just wish someone would handle it all for me, ya know?
but that's not true either. bottom line is i want it that way.
and it makes me tired too.

i was wondering when i'd get my next opportunity to use this
theory when it would feel really tiring.

and i found it.

walkin' today i was thinking of it.
i have a sadness in me today. it's nothing that can't get
figured out and worked with. but that'll take time.
and right now, i just feel sad about it.

sad isn't real conducive to that energy i feel i need to
'make it all what i want.'
sad is more like, okay let's just go lay down.

so i walked and thought about it.
and didn't want to 'do' anything to turn this around.
just don't. feel like i've done a lot already and just
want a break.

so then the thought of focus came to mind.
just don't make it your whole focus, i told myself.
don't miss the colors of the morning.
i looked up as i said this.
the colors this morning were perfect.
that's the word for them.
winter perfect.
i couldn't have picked better myself, i had told myself
as i started the walk. grinnin' at the thought.

focus.
how interesting that word came up.
that's been a topic for me all week.
struggling with where different people put their focus.

ah, ter...how about you?
where will you put your focus?
on sadness?
nah.

one thing i really do have the energy for.....
putting the sadness on the shelf.
allowing it to be there.
letting it stay.
just over there.
while i focus on other things.
things that make me laugh and feel good.
that i can do.

and i think that's all i need to do.
i'm thinking in allowing myself the space for that,
the energy will come back to hop into that other stuff.

so that's where i'll start.