makin room for sunlight

we decided to grab a quick tea at panera before
we got goin' for the day. we put our heads together
on what business we got goin' and how we're gonna
approach it all, and generally these tea breaks are
a great start to productive days. the caffeine helps too.
we egg each other on and then we go hit our days.

so there i sat with noah and zakk.
when noah turns to me and says 'you know, you haven't
really filled us in on what's been goin' on inside you
the last few days.'

i smiled. 'thought i'd spare you a bit' i said.

zakk chimed in that they'd like to hear.
i looked at him. he's a good egg.

gave them the reader's digest version.
which included this.....

'the way i can best describe it is like i walked up to a door
and opened it and it opens to this whole big out doors and
a completely charred, burnt building or something. it's gone.
demolished. black bits left. and while i knew that was there,
i hadn't ever seen it before.'

'it's one thing to know about something. it's a whole different
thing to see it.'

'and somehow that's at my base and i gotta do something with that.'

the guys are great. they're used to conversations like this.
which tickles me to no end.

as i tried to explain generally, briefly, where i thought it
came from, i told them i didn't know how to start rebuilding it.

noah looked at me so serious and countered the visual.
saying that it seemed more like it would be a building that
was built up that i had to knock down.

i nodded in total agreement.
'for ten years that's where i've been operating from.' i said.
'but something's different. that wasn't right. i don't get
it, but i know now that's not right.'

and then.....in trying to make some sense of it to him,
i made sense of it to me.

this is what finally surfaced from the thoughts i offered him...

it's like we're all born with these gorgeous trees in our
subconscious realm. we all have these gorgeous big strong white
trees that are majestic and just reach to the heavens. they're us.
they're the symbol for us.

we all have that tree.

and it's like my tree (and prolly most people's trees) has been
hacked, burned, demolished.

it's like i can just see this black stuff there on the ground.
some stubble sticking up. black. charred.

and suddenly......everything changed.

i kinda sat there and my breath was taken away.

it was a tree.
not a building.
it had life in it.
it wasn't an inanimate object.

i didn't have to find the cement and the bricks and
the beams.

sun and rain and warmth and nurturing would make it grow again.
sure, it wouldn't be that majestic big white tree to begin with.
but it could grow back into that.

i would have help.
the help of nature. of the universe.
i wouldn't have to build it.
not all alone.
i would just have to nurture it.
water it.
make sure it got sunlight.
let the wind blow over it.
pay attention to how it's doing and care for it.
tend it.
but not manufacture it.
it's there.
i don't have to manufacture it.

i can't tell you what a relief that was when i figured that out.

and i could feel this whole excitement build inside of me.

i've been lost on how to do this on my own.
and i don't have to.

i just have to tend it.

i am so moved by this.
i need to come up with a daily ritual of tending it.
i really think i do.

can't you just see it?
the big huge gorgeous white tree that is you?
it's in all of us.
burnt, charred, hacked, sawed, carved....
it's still there.

the first thing i'm doin' today is pushin' all the black
gunk off of it. making room for sunlight.

that's the first thing i'm doin.......